*I wrote those post several months ago in the midst of a difficult season. I never posted it...I think because it was so raw and I felt extremely hypocritical posting something that I had no where near gotten a handle on. I should have posted it then because I know there are others out there who can relate and need to know they are not alone. I am posting it now, although we have moved on from some of the difficulties discussed below (hallelujah AJ sleeps all night! and Kate's bedtime battles are exceptionally less bloody ;)) - the lessons are still true and the patience is still growing.
There's been a lesson brewing in my life for some time now and I just haven't quite put my finger on what exactly it is what God wants me to share. Maybe it is because I can't really seem to make any headway in the issue I am currently facing.
Right now Kate is upstairs crying her head off screaming "I want daddy and mommy" in desperate protest of bedtime. Our day today was filled with one incident after another of bad behavior, correction, fit, time out, repeat. A skipped nap on top of an early morning pretty much sealed the deal for all of us.
I can't lay the blame for a bad day all on the shoulders of a very trying 2.5 year old and her 6 month old sister who doesn't sleep all night long. I find that lately my attitude sucks and in some very ironic ways.
I try to teach Kate to be patient. The relentless asking for the same thing until I have time to respond wears on me and I tell her to be patient. But what does the edge in my voice reveal other than my own impatience.
I try to teach Kate not to throw fits when something doesn't go her way, to use her words and control her emotions. And yet what do I do when I get to the afternoon and I am tired and I have two crying kids and six more hours until my husband gets home...essentially throw a fit. No, I don't kick and scream and cry (although I confess that in the middle of the night when AJ wakes up I have been known to throw a little fit of kicking and crying), but in my head the negative thought train gets revved up and no matter how hard I try to stop it it gains momentum. Self-Pity. Anger. Bitterness. Frustration. Take your pick, or sometimes all of the above, they chug along the tracks at downhill speeds and just make my responses to kid behavior escalate said kid behavior.
I apologize for not giving more specifics; I think it would only contribute to the overall negativity to use this as a venting platform.
So what is the lesson? Of a couple of things I am sure:
1 - I need Jesus. I am so not perfect. I am so lost in this world of parenting. If I want my kids to be able to see me as an example then I need Jesus to mature me first. Man sometimes that hurts.
2 - Scripture is key. I have posted little scripture cards of verses related to joy all around my house. If I can't stop the negative thought train on my own I can try to derail it by repeating words of scripture over and over again. God's Word does not return void.
3 - When you pray for patience prepare to be given opportunities to be patient. I know we have all heard that before, but it has rarely been more real to me than right now. I honestly don't like the person that I turn into by the end of the day and I am in constant prayer asking God to help me and to change me. You know how that happens, by having more opportunities to make a better choice the next time.
I wish it were easier to be a parent. I wish it were easier to grow spiritually. You know the easy button.
But as I tell Kate - it's not. Deal with it. This isn't a good reason to cry. Use your words.
Guess it's time to take my own advice, stop feeling sorry for myself, (maybe be okay with some tears every now and then), and trust God because He loves me and He will help me.
Here's to a new day tomorrow.
PS - After about 20 minutes of non stop crying she fell immediately to sleep and the house is now blissfully quiet. About Time!
No comments:
Post a Comment