Apparently it takes a global pandemic to initiate a blog post as it has been about a year since my last one. It doesn't hurt that I just got a new computer and now all of the keys on my keyboard work without having to awkwardly pick up the corner first. Typing just got a lot more enjoyable again. :)
In all honesty, I think this post may be more cathartic for myself than a help for anyone else. But in some small way the things that I am pondering and have learned may resonate with others and have an impact in some small way.
In keeping with the title of the blog, Lessons in the Moment, the following are Lessons in the Quarantine...in no particular order.
I should also say that I in no way have all of this figured out, nor are all of our days perfect because of these things in place (in varying degrees of success day to day). But I have learned that if I wait until I am perfect to share, well then we'd be waiting awhile.
1 - You set the tone -
As much as possible, as the parent you can strive to set the tone and the attitude of the home. We are dealing with our own losses, frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. but as much as possible we want to set those aside (not in a pretend they are not real kind of way), and demonstrate an attitude of grace, patience, flexibility and most importantly gratitude. If the kids hear you complaining and grumbling and witness your short temper, what do you think they are going to do? So, take the time that you need to brush off all of your junk, deal with it with the Lord, and then engage with your kids from a place of peace and gratitude.
It's also ok to be real. We kicked stones in the road and talked together about how sad we were that school as we know it was done for the school year. But then we also talked about what about that was a blessing. And how we can still connect to friends and teachers. Etc. We need to model to our kids how to talk about their emotions and frustrations because otherwise they come out as negative behaviors (they still will btw - learning takes time!) and we can often add to their emotion by not recognizing that as the source and just dealing with the behavior.
When I picked my girls up from school on their last half day, Kate was in epic melt down mode before we'd made it 5 miles down the road. I believe my phrase was her anxiety and sadness is spilling out all over the place and everyone in range was getting hit with it. I disciplined and corrected as necessary and also redirected with a lot of humor. Eventually with some food in her tummy and a fun distraction she was giggling and focused on a new task. And we all heaved a huge sigh of relief. If I'd strung her up a tree like I really wanted to (and like she deserved) we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.
#preachingtomyselfhere
2 - You do you -
Whether we like it or not, due to our present circumstances, remote learning (i.e. school at home) is the new thing. Our school has provided us with so many amazing resources and tools in order to carry out this remote learning. And of course the wonderful world of social media is full of others pinterest worthy schedules, creativity, and educational kodak moments (you are my true audience if you are old enough to get that reference).
If you are not careful, what this can do is set you up for immediate failure status.
So my advice for remote learning or whatever you want to call it (zookeeping perhaps) is you do you. You know what your priorities are and what your kids need. You know what routine needs to look like in your home and how much time/space/and patience you have to be sitting side by side with them while they learn. So glean what you can from the resources and creativity of others and use what works for you.
In my home, I have some specific things I want my girls working on and their daily expectations are focused around that. I also know that they don't like and it doesn't go well if I am in the middle of all of their learning. So a lot of what they do is independent and their choice (within options I have provided). This works for us. It might not for you.
What is important is that we give eachother and ourselves some grace. You do you.
My kids are young. And I keep reminding myself that this 3 month set back in schooling is not going to devastate their entire lives. Are we going to do nothing? No, but we certainly aren't going to turn our home into a battle zone day in day out to live up to someone else's goals.
#exceptwhenreadingwithAJ
3 - Laugh a lot -
AJ has THE BEST LAUGH. And facial expressions. And verbal expressions. She is darn funny and I am so glad to be quarantined with her because she makes me laugh daily.
Kate is slower to laugh or to show any emotion really. And even though she is only 9, she has a 13 year old attitude that is not afraid to express that Mom is dumb most of the time.
So, one of my favorite things to do is to be just crazy out of character silly and funny because I love to hear AJ laugh and because I love to see Kate be more like a little girl again.
People outside of my home will likely NEVER see this side of me. But my kids get to. Funny voices and accents (they are so terrible!), dancing and singing (sorry kids), talking for the dog or other inanimate objects, dramatic overrreactions...
These things just make us giggle and laugh. It can turn the tide of a bad attitude pity party or an all out sibling battle.
So my advice, figure out what makes your kiddos laugh, no matter how crazy you have to get to do it, and then laugh all you can.
4 - Shake it up -
I have lost count of the things that we have done during quarantine that are on the list of things I would likely have never done otherwise, or at least not done often.
Pull out all the stops here. If your kids ask for something and it is in the realm of possiblity, try to say yes.
Shake it up. Surprise them with your yes.
And then realize that it wasn't so bad and maybe shouldn't be on the "only in a global pandemic quarantine" list. It might be okay to break out once or twice a year.
5 - Commit to learning/changing -
Continuing in the vein of the one just above, realize that we are doing life differently right now. Fewer places to go. Different things we say no and yes to. Possibly more quality family time.
Whatever it is, be willing to take some time and think about it. What is good that has come out of this time? And what do I want to hold on to from this?
Part of setting the tone in your house is committing to not just surviving this time, but using it to make us better.
That activity I mentioned above that brought Kate out of a deep funk of an attitude was giving fairy names to all of the people at my office. During that activity the girls dubbed me the "Busy fairy". Now, I take all things my 6 year old drama queen says with a grain of salt however it was worth thinking about. And while I honestly don't feel a lot less busy right now I am busy in a different way.
I have always responded to and met my kids needs and wants. But I can do so with a greater presence and a greater priority right now and that is something that I want to hold onto. I don't mind being the busy fairy as long as the little minion fairies don't feel like they've been left in the dust behind me.
6 - Keep your routines -
One of our most consistent routines is in the evening. Jammies on. Applesauce and fruit snacks for Kate and AJ and then I read to them. Sometimes for as long as an hour. We've gone through hundreds of books in the last few years. This is something that is important to us and bedtime can be a struggle if we don't keep this routine.
Whatever routine you have had that is helpful to you and your day, keep it. Kids need this (and so do we!!!)
As much as possible bedtimes should be included in this. They won't sleep in later if you keep them up later...I promise!! ;)
7 - And be willing to be flexible -
On the other hand, when the evening calls for it, pop a bowl of popcorn, make a mess with it all over each other and the couch and the blanket while you enjoy a good movie together way past bedtime.
It's all about balance. Remember, we are surprising the kids by being willing to change things up.
8 - My kids need a dad (not another mom) -
Let me explain. There are times when that ugly enemy of mine self-pity shows up and starts me down a path of wishing my husband was more like me, saw the things that needed to be done the same what that I did, had the same priorities as me, parented exactly like me, etc.
And then one day in the middle of this God hit me upside the head with a two by four and said your kids don't need another mom, they have you. They need a dad. And of course he was right.
They need someone to fix their bikes and challenge us all to ride on the trails and not just black top. They need someone to build marble runs that are way cooler than mine. They need someone who is more laid back and quicker to have fun.
Do they relate to their dad different than they do to me? Of course. As it should be.
For those of you who are doing this thing as a single mom or a single dad, you get all the props. Because it isn't easy.
And for those of you who may be like me and wish your husband could be a bit more like you. Instead try to be grateful for the ways he is different and covers your weaknesses with his strengths.
#gamechanger
#definitelydontneedtwoofme
9 - Give your kids space to share -
Another favorite thing to do is to ask my girls at random times if there is anything they would like to talk about.
Kate, while not the emotive one, is actually usually easier to figure out what she is thinking and feeling. Take her on a walk and she'll talk your ear off. I know more about third grade drama (even having not been to school in a month) than I care to know.
AJ on the other hand basically shares her emotions through a lot of overreactive drama. I mean drama so over the top that she could put all of Hollywood out of business. So when I ask her this at bedtime sometimes it is partly just for my own entertainment. Usually I get some very random comment about something that happened days ago that has nothing to do with anything and nothing to do with what she starts talking about in the next breath 10 seconds later.
But every once in awhile I get a gem like, "I feel like you give Kate more attention than me." Not true, but a valid feeling she has none the less and so we get to talk about that.
In the midst of the busyness, don't forget to give your kids space to share. If for no other reason than your own enjoyment.
10 - Don't forget to pray...a lot -
I mean, enough said. But really, even in the middle of any mess, when you literally have no idea what to do next with wild emotions of a wannabe tween, adorable but crazy drama of a 6 year old, or your own exhaustion, just pray.
11 - Let them be little -
One of the things that I've always noticed about my girls is that they are really good at independent play and they really need that time. It is also the way that they process things sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a Barbie family in quarantine somewhere in one of the bedrooms upstairs because that is just what they do.
Nothing gives me more joy than watching Kate (my 9 year old going on 13) immersed in an imaginative world of play like a little girl again. Or better yet, seeing them push each other on the swing and giggle or walk hand in hand to the field in the bark yard.
My girls need this time to be little and I need it too.
12 - Let it go
I have had to work on letting the chaos and mess of the house go. And also the quality of the cleaning. Part of the girls expectations is to do a chore a day. And those chores are the things that I tend to feel the need to do the most often. So they are keeping up the house (not quite mom quality but it works) and I am freed up to focus on other things like working from home, meals, time with them, etc.
And then once a week go through and clean your stress away. That helps too.
13 - I will not be your referee -
It didn't take long into this quarantine for me to have a little moment with my girls. You may not come to me with every little squabble that you have. We talked through some very specific steps they are to take and are only allowed to come to me after that has been done. They still do, but I don't tend to get involved.
This is my preference because typically they don't really want my advice. They just want me to enforce them getting their way.
I am saving my sanity by choosing to not become their referee. I mean I won't let anyone die or anything...
Because that is the goal. Keep the tiny humans alive!
So there you have it. My very awkwardly ended list of things I've learned in quarantine.
I think maybe I have left off one thing. I can't imagine doing this without a faith in Jesus Christ and a trust in Him as my Lord and Savior and as my refuge and hope. That's a lot of frilly church words that basically just means that without something bigger than this world to put my hope in I would be a mess. But I do have something bigger, someone bigger. Jesus, who has defeated death and is worthy of my praise and honor. He has given me a hope and a purpose. If you don't have that for yourself and you are curious, I'd love to chat. Feel free to reach out.
