This is Love

It was one of those rare Michigan spring/summer days where it wasn't so hot that you needed air conditioning and it wasn't so cold that you needed three layers and a blanket to keep you warm.  It was a perfect, sunny day and the windows were open. There was just enough breeze (in my area of lake effect, flat land, full of fields without enough trees to block it there is always a breeze) that as long as I didn't create the perfect draft by opening the wrong combination of windows everything inside would stay pretty much where it was. 

Through one of those open windows I caught a glimpse of a little girl running through the yard and also could hear her happy giggles as she ran.

In that moment all I could think was, "man I love her so much." For no other reason that she is my little girl. To see and hear her joyful and happy, carefree and running around in the beautiful day filled my own heart with great joy as well. 

Unless you are a parent, I think it is difficult to describe the feeling that came over me in that moment. 

I felt it again a few days later as the same little girl was again playing outside with her hair up in 2 perfect pig tails and her big sister was wandering around the yard in her movie star sunglesses, sunhat, fake cell phone talking to herself and pretending to text as she almost walked directly into a large rock. 

Their innocence.  Their imaginations. Their adorableness.  They're my kids.  

It occurs to me that this love, the overwhelming, hits you like a wave, impossible to put into words, and even unexplainable at times (because those very same adorable, innocent children can also make you absolutely crazy at times), is the love that God our Father has for us.  

We don't earn it.  We don't really deserve it.  

He just looks upon us and is overcome with his love for us...his children...his creation...his image. 

But that is not where love ends.  With a warm fuzzy feeling.  

More than being a feeling love is a choice.  

It is choosing to be loving even when I am annoyed, tired, frustrated, angry...need I go on.

It is choosing to be loving even when I have been hurt. 

It is choosing to be loving even when others don't understand my actions as love. 

Say what?

Those same sweet adorable, innocent children described above can be naughty at times.  Or they have to be told no on occassion because well love.  

They don't feel very loved when they are being disciplined.  They don't feel very loved when I don't say yes as they point to every shiny item on the shelf as we wander the store.  They don't feel very loved when boundaries are put in place.  And they like to tell me, "You're mean. Why are you so grumpy all the time?"  Did I mention their dramatic skills are on point?

But the reality is that I wouldn't be loving them well if I let them get away with whatever and gave them whatever they wanted.  

Love isn't always the soft choice, the easy choice.  Love is often realizing that you experience some sort of short term pain in order to achieve something long term like character and maturity.  Love is often speaking up and saying the hard words when it would be easier to just look the other way. Love is extending grace and kindness and patience to my kids even when I don't really feel like it and they don't really deserve it. 

I am really grateful that God gave us the capacity to feel love.  To look at someone and be overwhelmed with how much you care for that individual.  To appreciate them. Respect them. Be filled with joy at their joy.  

I am less grateful that the feeling sometimes fades leaving us with the responsibility to continue choosing love. 

I hope at this point you've realized that this concept applies beyond just the relationship between a parent and a child.  

God's word tells us to love others. All others. All the time. (Matthew 22:39)

Those we have warm fuzzy feelings about and those we don't. 

Those we agree with and have fun with and those we don't.

Those who look like us and act like us and those who don't. 

Those who deserve it and those who don't. 

The Bible tells us also that love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13)

When I look around me, I see a world that needs a whole lot more of this kind of love. 

Love that stands up against injustice.

Love that forgives as it heals from deep wounds. 

Love that repents because it is humble. 

Love that responds rather than reacts because it is not easily angered. 

Love that pursues truth and makes no room for evil of any kind. 

Love that protects life.  

Love that trusts; giving others the benefit of the doubt when possible. 

Love that gives the world hope. 

Love that never gives up. 

We will fail.  We will fall short.  We will not be perfect in loving others.

But the Bible also gives us an example and an expression of perfect love in the form of Jesus. Being in every way God, he became a man, flesh and blood, and humbled himself in sacrifice on a cross, a criminals death, to save us all from an eternity of hell as consequence for our sin.  Consequence for our nature that will keep us from loving perfectly all the time. Jesus' love has given us forgiveness, grace, a call to repentance, a path to healing, the gift of eternal life, and ultimately hope...hope that all that is around us right now is not all that there is.  

This is Love.

1 John 4:7-12

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and God raised him from the dead you will be saved. Romans 10:9

It's that simple if you are ready to receive the love that God has for us!

 

For Mommas

In reality, I think all of my posts are for Mommas.  But today's seems to me to be especially so and fitting for Mother's Day.

We are in a season of a "statewide stay home order" which for many of us means lots of extra time with our kids.  We love our kids, but let's be honest.  That much time with anyone, let alone a miniature, unrefined version of yourself and/or your husband 24/7 can be a lot to handle.

I've personally been very blessed and enjoying watching maturity flourish in my girls over these past several weeks.  From keeping up on daily chores which reduces my cleaning burden to being the recipient of two parties that were all about making me feel loved and special, my kids have been a blessing.  As I've enjoyed this, I've reflected on how not that long ago if you had told me my kids would one day throw me a birthday party I would have probably laughed.

If your kids are younger than mine (or decidedly less awesome - btw a point for which I take very little credit because I have no magic formula for creating awesomeness in children) then likely your day to day is a bit more wearying than mine.

I remember the days of rotating between diapers, nap time, endless laundry, food time, clean a little somthing only to turn around and repeat again and again and again until finally they are in bed for the night...hopefully.

I remember the days of pouring yourself out into those little people and meeting their every need (well almost) and getting very little thanks in return.
Some of us treasure these little years more and others of us struggle more.

Wherever you are at, I have two words of encouragement for you:

1 - They do grow up.  They do mature.  They do learn how to pour into you.  And even if they aren't the "parent appreciation party" planning type like my Kate, they will find their own ways to make you know you are loved and appreciated.

2 - Be glad you're not a bird (but learn from them)

Being home more I've had opportunity to pay attention to the numerous birds living around our house. One day I watched a mama bird in her nest on a branch of one of our pine trees. It was windy and raining and she bounced and blew and sat dutifully on her nest through it all.

Another bird has laid her eggs in our rocks on the edge of our strawberry patch.

Much to her chagrin the strawberry patch needed to be weeded and I encroached on her territory. 

So what have I learned from these determined and fierce mothers? (P.S. I don't know that much about birds, for all I know it was the fathers but shh. let's just pretend we know it was the female.)

Aside from learning that I am grateful I am not a mother bird who has to sit on a nest in the rain and has nothing but a shrill voice to defend my young with, I have learned the following.

#1 - Defend your babies for all your worth.

While I was weeding the part of the strawberries closest to her, she was in my face!  About a foot away from me at times with her feathers spread out and her shrill tweet ringing in my ears.  She was nervous and definitely afraid of me, and yet more afraid that I was going to do her babies harm and that she needed to get me away.  She didn't back down the entire time. 

Needless to say I've never pulled weeds faster.

This mama bird taught me what it means to be a serious defender of my children.  And please remember that the most dangerous enemy they face is not one of flesh and blood.  The greatest enemy we face is the spiritual forces of evil that have come to kill, steal and destroy. 

What is our weapon against such an enemy?  Prayer and the Word of God which is the sword of the spirit. 

Seriously, one of the greatest protections and blessings you can give to your children is to be in prayer over them and to pray scripture from the Bible over them.

#2 - Care and provide for your babies.

Like the mama bird in the storm or another one who has 4 little babies in her tiny nest, we are resonsible for feeding and caring for the needs of our children. Day after day. In the rain and in the sunshine.  At whatever personal cost and sacrifice.  If God placed that natural instinct and desire to care for and provide in a bird, how much more so has he given it to us who bear his image.

#3 - Prepare them for independence

While there are a lot of nests full of baby birds around here right now, they will not be so for long.  In just a few short weeks the babies will be flying and will be out on their own. A mother bird does not care for them and meet their every need forever.

Instead, she prepares them for what lies ahead and launches them when it is time.

We have a bit longer of time with our young ones before we launch them, probably because they have a bit more to learn, but it is nonetheless not our job to grow them to be dependent upon us forever.  Rather it is our job to grow them to be prepared for launch.  That means doing the hard work of teaching them to do things rather than doing it for them.  That means standing alongside them as they have awkward conversations with other grown ups.  That means giving them their own tools of prayer and Bible study so that while they may grow in independence from you as parent, they are also growing in dependence on God.  That means dying to self and allowing them to take steps away from the protection of your wing where you feel most in control.

#4 - Prepare for loss

It is a sad reality that not every baby bird makes it.  We've found our fair share of little birdies that have fallen out of their nests and not been able to recover.

Our loss is not always losing the life of one of our babies.  Our loss may be grieving over the choices they make, the friends they choose, the attitude they give us, or the reality of them growing up and moving on.  Our loss as a mama in whatever shape it takes is very real.

And often, that hurt leads us to a place where we start to doubt ourselves.  Our identity is cracked and we can become very discouraged and down on ourselves.  Mama, this is not what God desires for you.  Remember that no one is perfect, no one is a perfect mother.  At the end of the day you have to do your best, own up to where you fell short and make it right if necessary (yup, that means apologizing to your kids on occassion), and remember that no matter how many mistakes you made your identity in Christ is that you are a chosen, precious, and loved Child of God.

God loves you no matter what.  He thinks you are valuable no matter what.  You don't get to think less of yourself. He is the one who created you and so has the right to tell you what you are worth.  You are worth dying for Mama. 

And when life with littles crumbles around you, remember that just as God cares for the birds of the air and the flowers of the field, He cares for You and thinks you are worth dying for.


In case you haven't figured it out yet, I had a few things I wanted to say and did my best to make it all flow together some how. But I will leave with you three things in summary as a note to any mom who is struggling today:

1) It will get better.  And probably harder at times...but that's a whole other story
2) There's always something to be grateful for...at least you are not a mama bird
3) You are WORTH DYING FOR!

Happy Mother's Day.

Lessons in the Quarantine

Apparently it takes a global pandemic to initiate a blog post as it has been about a year since my last one.  It doesn't hurt that I just got a new computer and now all of the keys on my keyboard work without having to awkwardly pick up the corner first.  Typing just got a lot more enjoyable again. :)

In all honesty, I think this post may be more cathartic for myself than a help for anyone else. But in some small way the things that I am pondering and have learned may resonate with others and have an impact in some small way.

In keeping with the title of the blog, Lessons in the Moment, the following are Lessons in the Quarantine...in no particular order.

I should also say that I in no way have all of this figured out, nor are all of our days perfect because of these things in place (in varying degrees of success day to day).  But I have learned that if I wait until I am perfect to share, well then we'd be waiting awhile.

1 - You set the tone -

As much as possible, as the parent you can strive to set the tone and the attitude of the home.  We are dealing with our own losses, frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. but as much as possible we want to set those aside (not in a pretend they are not real kind of way), and demonstrate an attitude of grace, patience, flexibility and most importantly gratitude.  If the kids hear you complaining and grumbling and witness your short temper, what do you think they are going to do?  So, take the time that you need to brush off all of your junk, deal with it with the Lord, and then engage with your kids from a place of peace and gratitude.

It's also ok to be real.  We kicked stones in the road and talked together about how sad we were that school as we know it was done for the school year.  But then we also talked about what about that was a blessing.  And how we can still connect to friends and teachers.  Etc.  We need to model to our kids how to talk about their emotions and frustrations because otherwise they come out as negative behaviors (they still will btw - learning takes time!) and we can often add to their emotion by not recognizing that as the source and just dealing with the behavior.

When I picked my girls up from school on their last half day, Kate was in epic melt down mode before we'd made it 5 miles down the road.  I believe my phrase was her anxiety and sadness is spilling out all over the place and everyone in range was getting hit with it.  I disciplined and corrected as necessary and also redirected with a lot of humor.  Eventually with some food in her tummy and a fun distraction she was giggling and focused on a new task.  And we all heaved a huge sigh of relief.  If I'd strung her up a tree like I really wanted to (and like she deserved) we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

#preachingtomyselfhere

2 - You do you -

Whether we like it or not, due to our present circumstances, remote learning (i.e. school at home) is the new thing.  Our school has provided us with so many amazing resources and tools in order to carry out this remote learning.  And of course the wonderful world of social media is full of others pinterest worthy schedules, creativity, and educational kodak moments (you are my true audience if you are old enough to get that reference).

If you are not careful, what this can do is set you up for immediate failure status.

So my advice for remote learning or whatever you want to call it (zookeeping perhaps) is you do you.  You know what your priorities are and what your kids need.  You know what routine needs to look like in your home and how much time/space/and patience you have to be sitting side by side with them while they learn.  So glean what you can from the resources and creativity of others and use what works for you.

In my home, I have some specific things I want my girls working on and their daily expectations are focused around that.  I also know that they don't like and it doesn't go well if I am in the middle of all of their learning.  So a lot of what they do is independent and their choice (within options I have provided).  This works for us.  It might not for you.

What is important is that we give eachother and ourselves some grace.  You do you.

My kids are young.  And I keep reminding myself that this 3 month set back in schooling is not going to devastate their entire lives.  Are we going to do nothing?  No, but we certainly aren't going to turn our home into a battle zone day in day out to live up to someone else's goals.

#exceptwhenreadingwithAJ


3 - Laugh a lot -

AJ has THE BEST LAUGH.  And facial expressions.  And verbal expressions. She is darn funny and I am so glad to be quarantined with her because she makes me laugh daily.

Kate is slower to laugh or to show any emotion really.  And even though she is only 9, she has a 13 year old attitude that is not afraid to express that Mom is dumb most of the time.

So, one of my favorite things to do is to be just crazy out of character silly and funny because I love to hear AJ laugh and because I love to see Kate be more like a little girl again.

People outside of my home will likely NEVER see this side of me.  But my kids get to.  Funny voices and accents (they are so terrible!), dancing and singing (sorry kids), talking for the dog or other inanimate objects, dramatic overrreactions...

These things just make us giggle and laugh.  It can turn the tide of a bad attitude pity party or an all out sibling battle.

So my advice, figure out what makes your kiddos laugh, no matter how crazy you have to get to do it, and then laugh all you can.

4 - Shake it up -

I have lost count of the things that we have done during quarantine that are on the list of things I would likely have never done otherwise, or at least not done often.

Pull out all the stops here.  If your kids ask for something and it is in the realm of possiblity, try to say yes.

Shake it up.  Surprise them with your yes.

And then realize that it wasn't so bad and maybe shouldn't be on the "only in a global pandemic quarantine" list. It might be okay to break out once or twice a year.

5 - Commit to learning/changing -

Continuing in the vein of the one just above, realize that we are doing life differently right now.  Fewer places to go. Different things we say no and yes to.  Possibly more quality family time.

Whatever it is, be willing to take some time and think about it.  What is good that has come out of this time?  And what do I want to hold on to from this?

Part of setting the tone in your house is committing to not just surviving this time, but using it to make us better.

That activity I mentioned above that brought Kate out of a deep funk of an attitude was giving fairy names to all of the people at my office.  During that activity the girls dubbed me the "Busy fairy".  Now, I take all things my 6 year old drama queen says with a grain of salt however it was worth thinking about.  And while I honestly don't feel a lot less busy right now I am busy in a different way.

I have always responded to and met my kids needs and wants.  But I can do so with a greater presence and a greater priority right now and that is something that I want to hold onto.  I don't mind being the busy fairy as long as the little minion fairies don't feel like they've been left in the dust behind me.

6 - Keep your routines -

One of our most consistent routines is in the evening.  Jammies on.  Applesauce and fruit snacks for Kate and AJ and then I read to them.  Sometimes for as long as an hour.  We've gone through hundreds of books in the last few years.  This is something that is important to us and bedtime can be a struggle if we don't keep this routine.

Whatever routine you have had that is helpful to you and your day, keep it. Kids need this (and so do we!!!)

As much as possible bedtimes should be included in this.  They won't sleep in later if you keep them up later...I promise!! ;)

7 - And be willing to be flexible -

On the other hand, when the evening calls for it, pop a bowl of popcorn, make a mess with it all over each other and the couch and the blanket while you enjoy a good movie together way past bedtime.

It's all about balance.  Remember, we are surprising the kids by being willing to change things up.

8 - My kids need a dad (not another mom) -

Let me explain.  There are times when that ugly enemy of mine self-pity shows up and starts me down a path of wishing my husband was more like me, saw the things that needed to be done the same what that I did, had the same priorities as me, parented exactly like me, etc.

And then one day in the middle of this God hit me upside the head with a two by four and said your kids don't need another mom, they have you.  They need a dad.  And of course he was right.

They need someone to fix their bikes and challenge us all to ride on the trails and not just black top.  They need someone to build marble runs that are way cooler than mine.  They need someone who is more laid back and quicker to have fun.

Do they relate to their dad different than they do to me?  Of course.  As it should be.

For those of you who are doing this thing as a single mom or a single dad, you get all the props.  Because it isn't easy.

And for those of you who may be like me and wish your husband could be a bit more like you.  Instead try to be grateful for the ways he is different and covers your weaknesses with his strengths.

#gamechanger
#definitelydontneedtwoofme

9 - Give your kids space to share -

Another favorite thing to do is to ask my girls at random times if there is anything they would like to talk about.

Kate, while not the emotive one, is actually usually easier to figure out what she is thinking and feeling.  Take her on a walk and she'll talk your ear off.  I know more about third grade drama (even having not been to school in a month) than I care to know.

AJ on the other hand basically shares her emotions through a lot of overreactive drama.  I mean drama so over the top that she could put all of Hollywood out of business. So when I ask her this at bedtime sometimes it is partly just for my own entertainment.  Usually I get some very random comment about something that happened days ago that has nothing to do with anything and nothing to do with what she starts talking about in the next breath 10 seconds later.

But every once in awhile I get a gem like, "I feel like you give Kate more attention than me."  Not true, but a valid feeling she has none the less and so we get to talk about that.

In the midst of the busyness, don't forget to give your kids space to share.  If for no other reason than your own enjoyment.

10 - Don't forget to pray...a lot -

I mean, enough said.  But really, even in the middle of any mess, when you literally have no idea what to do next with wild emotions of a wannabe tween, adorable but crazy drama of a 6 year old, or your own exhaustion, just pray.

11 - Let them be little -

One of the things that I've always noticed about my girls is that they are really good at independent play and they really need that time.  It is also the way that they process things sometimes.  I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a Barbie family in quarantine somewhere in one of the bedrooms upstairs because that is just what they do.

Nothing gives me more joy than watching Kate (my 9 year old going on 13) immersed in an imaginative world of play like a little girl again.  Or better yet, seeing them push each other on the swing and giggle or walk hand in hand to the field in the bark yard.

My girls need this time to be little and I need it too.

12 - Let it go

I have had to work on letting the chaos and mess of the house go.  And also the quality of the cleaning.  Part of the girls expectations is to do a chore a day.  And those chores are the things that I tend to feel the need to do the most often.  So they are keeping up the house (not quite mom quality but it works) and I am freed up to focus on other things like working from home, meals, time with them, etc.

And then once a week go through and clean your stress away.  That helps too.

13 - I will not be your referee -

It didn't take long into this quarantine for me to have a little moment with my girls.  You may not come to me with every little squabble that you have.  We talked through some very specific steps they are to take and are only allowed to come to me after that has been done.  They still do, but I don't tend to get involved.

This is my preference because typically they don't really want my advice.  They just want me to enforce them getting their way.

I am saving my sanity by choosing to not become their referee.  I mean I won't let anyone die or anything...

Because that is the goal.  Keep the tiny humans alive!


So there you have it.  My very awkwardly ended list of things I've learned in quarantine.

I think maybe I have left off one thing.   I can't imagine doing this without a faith in Jesus Christ and a trust in Him as my Lord and Savior and as my refuge and hope.  That's a lot of frilly church words that basically just means that without something bigger than this world to put my hope in I would be a mess.  But I do have something bigger, someone bigger.  Jesus, who has defeated death and is worthy of my praise and honor.  He has given me a hope and a purpose.  If you don't have that for yourself and you are curious, I'd love to chat.  Feel free to reach out.