Saturday, October 15, 2016

Planting Seeds

Most days I feel like I am running circles around the same parenting trees again and again.  I utter the same phrases with various levels of patience over and over.

"Use your words."

"How do you ask nicely?"

"Speak kindly."

Etc.

It is easy to feel like these lessons and many others that are of more or less importance are never going to sink in.

And then, every once in awhile you get a small glimpse of hope that all that you do is really making a difference.

Like when you hear, "AJ that hurts me, will you please stop?"  and AJ says, "Ok." (I swear, this happened!)


Kate brought these marigolds home from preschool early this spring in a small styrofoam cup.  They were three tiny sprouts that barely survived in the windowsill while Kate over-watered them daily.

I eventually managed to get the little sprouts into the ground and watered them somewhat faithfully.  To be honest, I was fairly confident they were never going to amount to anything and I was worrying about having to break the news to Kate.

But then I watched as they slowly started to grow, bigger and bigger and then they burst forth in bloom into the amazing bush you see above.  Every time I catch a glimpse of it I smile a little remembering the little cup and the tiny little sprouts and how it has become the captivating feature of my backyard at the moment.


I may not see all of the seeds that I am planting in my girls' lives blossom and bloom into something beautiful.  But there are many that I will get to see....and I can't wait.

And in those moments where I fear that the seeds I am planting are in some way defective, I will remember the marigolds and keep planting and watering.

Lastly, I will remember that while I get to plant the seeds and nurture them, it is not me that makes them grow.  That miracle belongs to our Father in Heaven alone.


Wednesday, June 8, 2016

10 Things I am Teaching My Kids...That I am Learning Too

10.  Be responsible for your own things. Pick up after yourself. Treat your things well.

Sure, I don't have a tendency to step on my toys and throw them in the midst of a temper tantrum, but God has blessed me with a great house, beautiful yard, flowers, a small garden, a tiny flock of chickens, and so much more. It is my responsibility to not be lazy and to take care of these things well without complaint.

9. Face Your Fears.

The dark. Crowds. Monsters under the bed. Putting your face in the water. These are fears my kids face and are encouraged to overcome on their own with a lot of encouragement and help.  I have my own fears.  Some are relatively easy to face - like my fear of heights, but others I can make excuses and shy away - like speaking up even if my opinion is unpopular or speaking truth even if it might cause hurt.  

8. Share and be generous

I may not run around clutching my favorite item of the day to my chest yelling MINE in quite the same way that a pre-schooler does but I do notice that some things I clutch more tightly than others.  I am intentional about being generous, but I want to make sure that I don't put a limit on God and withhold certain things.  That is not to say that my girls aren't allowed a few special toys that they don't have to share (don't mess with AJ's blankie people...BAD things happen!), but I know that God is generous and a great gift giver and if he asks me to share something I hold dear I want to trust Him and obey.

7. Have a healthy approach to food

Oh you know simple things like don't eat your feelings, or eat when you're bored, or tell me your hungry when you really just want to tickle your taste buds.

6. You are not in charge. You don't need to know it all. Hear it all.  Say it all. Understand it all. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL...

oh yeah, neither am I.

5. Don't assume (the worst)

Kate often will approach  me asking for something with an attitude that suggests I have already said No and thus whining and convincing is necessary in order to get that glass of water.  Or she will react to something as if there was ill intent even if it was just a misunderstanding or an accident.  

In much the same way, I can often jump to conclusions about my kids behavior or what I see in a situation or even judge someone's intentions when I really have no idea.  

4. Solve your problems, don't whine about them

When Kate or AJ are "in a mood" they have a tendency to react big when something little isn't perfect.  If a doll keeps falling out of the toy carseat, or a certain outfit won't go on a doll, then we can get extremely upset.  Sometimes this leads to refusing to continue to play with the doll and pouting in a corner.  The refusal to find a way to solve the problem or ask for help, ends up taking away play time. 

When confronted with a challenge, problem, or something that just isn't how we want it, we can crumble, fold, stomp, yell, and whine (c'mon you know you've done it too) or we can take it to God, ask for wisdom, and come up with creative solutions.  Be a problem solver, don't let them handicap you and your fun.

3. Use Your Words

A couple days ago it took Kate about 10 minutes to choose to say "May I have milk please" without whining, baby talk, or random unnecessary noises, in decibels loud enough for me to hear.  She also has a tendency to resort screaming and grunting at me when she is angry.  

So I have gratefully matured beyond this point but I still struggle to put all of my feelings into words and express what I need in a positive way with those that I care about.  Just because I don't scream and grunt doesn't mean I am always using my words.  Stuffing them is just as harmful.

2. Be Patient

Have you ever been asked 17 times for one cup of juice in a matter of 60 seconds?  Most moms have.  

Have you ever counted how many times you have said "will you please be patient?" with an obvious edge of impatience in your tone?  I admit, I haven't and I don't want to.  Teaching patience starts with demonstrating it.  All I can say is, God, I need your help, please!!!

1. For the love, please just obey!

Don't ask why. Don't make excuses.  Don't argue with me why you don't need to. Don't obey when you feel like it.  DON'T SAY NO!!!

Did you know the Bible says things like, don't judge, don't complain, don't hate, don't let any course or unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, be kind, be joyful, love others as yourself.  I want to not just be a hearer of the Word, but also a doer; to realize that these words were written with an intention to be followed and obeyed to the best of our abilities.  Not when we feel like it or it is convenient.  Not to be argued with because it doesn't make sense anymore.  Not to make excuses why it just isn't easy.  You get the picture.  






Wednesday, May 11, 2016

She Makes Me Better

I grew up with the incredible blessing of having horses in my back yard and the opportunity to ride from a very young age. The first horse I can really remember riding is Bingo. She was an older horse and we nicknamed her "the babysitter." She taught us all how to ride and she kept us all safe. If you were riding and started to slip off she would stop. She also made you do what you were supposed to do or she wouldn't do what she was supposed to do. In addition to that, her gaits were so rough that if you could learn to sit in the saddle as she was bouncing you around the arena then you were doing well.

I graduated from babysitter Bingo to Dangerous Dandy after several years. Where Bingo was safe, Dandy was wildly unpredictable. Where Bingo was old and wise Dandy was young, smart, and athletic. Where Bingo made you do everything right he made you do it right and work for it. If you were leading him and got out in front and were pulling him he would stop. But if you stood at his shoulder and walked alongside him, he mostly would plod along willingly with you. If you were trotting at an upbeat Huntseat pace he would make you kick, nudge, cluck, urge, and pray with every step to keep him moving. If you were perfectly lined up at a jump he would go over it unless there was a cow at the other end of the arena, or a shadow, or an imagined cow, or he just didn't feel like it.

In very different ways theses horses made me a better rider and taught me a lot of other things as well. And God provided these horses in the perfect order to teach me in the right order, to insure I didn't quit riding or lose my life. ;)

Fast forward several years and I have transitioned from horses to kids. Our first, Kate is much more like Dandy. Prior to her birth I had believed that if I did everything a certain way then my kids would be perfectly behaved, totally obedient, etc.  I was quick to judge other parents on the behavior of their kids.

But from a very young age Kate has totally blown this theory to pieces.  She is much like Dandy, making me work extremely hard for every step.

But my point in writing is not to lament my challenges with Kate.  Rather to give glory to God for the personal growth and Godly dependence that comes out of this.

As Kate gets older, and I continue to have to work hard for every small and big accomplishment in our day - like getting out of bed or getting dressed - to every character trait developed - like patience - I realize that God is teaching me every step of the way through.

She makes me better because she makes me look inside myself to address my own sin. She makes me better because she makes me dependent on God for more grace, more patience, more creativity, and more endurance that what I have on my own.

Here are some of the things that God (and Kate) have taught me:

1) We are all sinners.  I need grace.  Kate needs grace.  We need to give each other grace.  Recently I finished reading a book called Grace Based Parenting that helped me to realize this truth and helped me to realize that how I respond to Kate's challenges has a big impact on her and how she will see herself now and in the future.  I don't want to be surprised, to shame or embarrass her, or to condemn her for her mistakes.  I want to love her, forgive her, and teach her to go to God to help her learn through them.

2) Which leads me to my second - I need to be very very careful about my words.  I have the power with my words to tear down her spirit, make her self-conscious about herself and her behavior, or to lift her up, encourage her, and teach her.  In my own weakness and frustration, it is easy to get focused on the many challenges and share them with others more than I should.  Imagine what this does to her to hear.

3) Keep myself in check.  When I start to get frustrated and impatient, you can hear it in my words and voice.  When Kate hears it, she comes back at me with the same intensity and is less likely to obey, just like Dandy.  She makes me better.  She makes me do it right.  Of course this doesn't mean that she always does obey or behave, but at least I can walk away from the situation knowing that I demonstrated and modeled the type of attitude and behavior I am expecting of her.  And when I blow it, I apologize.

4) Don't give up or get discouraged.  I have noticed from a very young age that Kate has cycles of behavior.  She will have a couple weeks where we have lots of fits, crying, disobeying, etc. Then all of a sudden you wake up one day, take a deep breath and ask her to put on a pair of pants under her dress and she says, "Ok Mom."  After you've recovered from the shock, you realize that the lessons you are teaching during those difficult weeks are sinking in, and when whatever causes those cycles to pass, they are there and the fruit is evident.  It is tempting during those weeks to feel like you are doing nothing more than beating your head against a wall, but I must continue to be dedicated to the practices that I believe in, to teach appropriate behavior, and to discipline inappropriate behavior - no matter how much backlash I receive.


Much like Babysitter Bingo and Dangerous Dandy made me a better horseman, Kate makes me a better person, mom, and follower of Christ.  For that I am grateful.



(Side Note - I am sitting here, unwilling to pus the Publish button because I am so uncomfortable with throwing out what feels to me like a very negative post towards my beloved daughter.  So, lest anyone walk away thinking that the only thing about her worth noting is her strong-will, let me enlighten you with the many things of Kate that are just plain awesome.

She is kind and compassionate, quick to stick by someone who is hurt.  She thinks about others and their needs.  She has an imagination that could take her to the moon and back.  She can play for hours all by herself - and never stop talking during that time once! She is smart, observant, intuitive, and so so curious.

She loves helping and she is a leader.  She is cautious, but also willing to try something new and is so proud of herself when she has overcome a fear. She brings delight to those around her with her grown up antics. She knows how to behave and is polite to others.  She is amazing.)