Have you ever heard the saying, "There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very very good and when she was bad she was horrid."
Aside from the fact that my little Kate has no curls anywhere near her forehead, this pretty much sums her up in a nut shell.
She is a very good girl when she wants to be, and she knows exactly how to get into trouble when she wants to. In the past week, we've had bed time battles, bath time battles, don't hit your sister battles, no you can't talk to mommy that way battles, and pretty much everything else you can imagine in between.
I am not perfect and I have to admit that I lose my temper and get extremely frustrated and angry in the midst of many of these battles. Kate has learned how to apologize (and yes how to use an apology to try to get out of trouble as well), largely because her mother has had to say I'm sorry for losing my temper a time or two.
After the apologies and tears are over, it is amazing how quickly Kate wants to be "friends" again. We can go from time out to sharing bath time tea in a matter of minutes. In fact it was in those minutes tonight that I reflected on how quickly I too go from blood boiling to choosing to change my tone to something softer and lighter and have fun with my girl.
God's forgiveness is like that. It doesn't matter how often or how badly we mess up, he welcomes us back with open arms, easily puts aside those things that drove a wedge between us, forgives us, loves us. Without ever having one of those moments as a parent, I think it is difficult to really understand how God forgives and forgets. But when you understand as a parent that your role is to teach right and wrong and to help your child to learn how to control her behavior, you realize that she is still learning, that you shouldn't take the behavior personally, and that discipline without love and acceptance and grace is useless at best, dangerous at worst.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Learning to Teach
The title of this post is ironic because I spent 4 years and a lot of (mostly other people's) money learning how to be a teacher. The funny thing is I never really felt like I was that great at it. And now as a parent of a toddler and a newborn I often watch others take the time to slow down and carefully talk through and demonstrate something to my daughter in a way that I don't often think to do.
In recent days I've realized that teaching is essential to normal growth and development from a child into an adult. (Now before you say Duh! Captain Obvious!...hear me out.)
I find myself throughout the day saying to Kate:
"Please don't whine."
"Don't poke your sister in the face."
"Don't slam the door."
What I realized about these statements was that I was leaving out the DO part. I have the DON'T part down quite well and I just assume that Kate will automatically know that the opposite of whining is to say, "May I have some juice please," and the opposite of poking her sister in the face is using her whole hand to gently touch her...you get the idea.
So, I have tried to start making an effort to correct behavior with some instruction in what should be done instead of the behavior that I do not like. Kate and I often practice, "Mommy, may I have..." (More times in a day than I can count!!!!)
The same principle applies to AJ, our already 7 week old little bundle! Sleep is the number one topic for all new moms and yes we're still there...sleep deprived that is. But I can't get frustrated with AJ for not sleeping exactly when and for how long I think she should without a lot of patience and time put in teaching her (in some sense of the word anyway).
My point is this, it can be easy to discover and point out to someone what they are doing wrong. But it isn't always easy or natural to then take the time to explain what the correct way is. And lets face it, whether we spent a lot of money and time learning to be come state credentialed teachers or not, we are all teachers in one way or another. We most likely have someone who is looking up to us. Let's be sure that when we offer correction we clearly DEMONSTRATE and EXPLAIN the DO'S as well as the DONT'S.
In recent days I've realized that teaching is essential to normal growth and development from a child into an adult. (Now before you say Duh! Captain Obvious!...hear me out.)
I find myself throughout the day saying to Kate:
"Please don't whine."
"Don't poke your sister in the face."
"Don't slam the door."
What I realized about these statements was that I was leaving out the DO part. I have the DON'T part down quite well and I just assume that Kate will automatically know that the opposite of whining is to say, "May I have some juice please," and the opposite of poking her sister in the face is using her whole hand to gently touch her...you get the idea.
So, I have tried to start making an effort to correct behavior with some instruction in what should be done instead of the behavior that I do not like. Kate and I often practice, "Mommy, may I have..." (More times in a day than I can count!!!!)
The same principle applies to AJ, our already 7 week old little bundle! Sleep is the number one topic for all new moms and yes we're still there...sleep deprived that is. But I can't get frustrated with AJ for not sleeping exactly when and for how long I think she should without a lot of patience and time put in teaching her (in some sense of the word anyway).
My point is this, it can be easy to discover and point out to someone what they are doing wrong. But it isn't always easy or natural to then take the time to explain what the correct way is. And lets face it, whether we spent a lot of money and time learning to be come state credentialed teachers or not, we are all teachers in one way or another. We most likely have someone who is looking up to us. Let's be sure that when we offer correction we clearly DEMONSTRATE and EXPLAIN the DO'S as well as the DONT'S.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Taking Growth for Granted
Almost three weeks ago we welcomed a new little blessing into our home. Kate now has a little sister. For the purpose of the blog we shall call her AJ.
Both of my girls got what you would call a slow start - they were slow to regain their birth weight. After a very long month of nursing, pumping, finger feeding, bottle feeding, etc. with Kate I was very hopeful that things would be different with AJ. But it seems that even when everything seems to be going well, I cannot take growth for granted.
Getting my babies to gain weight has taken a lot of feeding, a lot of extra stimulation to keep them awake while they ate, and lots of sleepless nights :).
In my mind it seems like something as natural as breastfeeding and the physical growth of an infant should just happen...afterall babies all over the world who don't visit a doctor three days after they are born, and then two days after that, and then a week after that...can do just fine.
On the other hand, something like spiritual growth that is actually counter to our natural tendencies should take work. I've recently been reading Philippians and Paul emphasizes this point in Philippians 3:12-14.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
In short, Paul is saying that it takes work to move forward in spiritual growth or maturity. We cannot take being a Christian and living like how God wants us to for granted. While it is only through Jesus' sacrifice and God's grace that we can be saved and made acceptable to God, we do have a responsibility to live in a manner "worthy of the Gospel" as the Word says. Living this way is not natural to us and it takes work.
What kind of work?
1-Reading and studying the Word - applying what you learn to your life
2-Prayer and asking the Holy Spirit to convict, teach, and direct you
3-Following the example of mentors - Paul tells the Philippians to look to him as an example of how to live. Identify someone in your life who is spiritually mature and learn from them.
4-Being willing to do what is unnatural - that is being willing to step outside of your comfort zone, being willing to stretch yourself when it comes to generosity, being willing to step away from sin
Both of my girls got what you would call a slow start - they were slow to regain their birth weight. After a very long month of nursing, pumping, finger feeding, bottle feeding, etc. with Kate I was very hopeful that things would be different with AJ. But it seems that even when everything seems to be going well, I cannot take growth for granted.
Getting my babies to gain weight has taken a lot of feeding, a lot of extra stimulation to keep them awake while they ate, and lots of sleepless nights :).
In my mind it seems like something as natural as breastfeeding and the physical growth of an infant should just happen...afterall babies all over the world who don't visit a doctor three days after they are born, and then two days after that, and then a week after that...can do just fine.
On the other hand, something like spiritual growth that is actually counter to our natural tendencies should take work. I've recently been reading Philippians and Paul emphasizes this point in Philippians 3:12-14.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
In short, Paul is saying that it takes work to move forward in spiritual growth or maturity. We cannot take being a Christian and living like how God wants us to for granted. While it is only through Jesus' sacrifice and God's grace that we can be saved and made acceptable to God, we do have a responsibility to live in a manner "worthy of the Gospel" as the Word says. Living this way is not natural to us and it takes work.
What kind of work?
1-Reading and studying the Word - applying what you learn to your life
2-Prayer and asking the Holy Spirit to convict, teach, and direct you
3-Following the example of mentors - Paul tells the Philippians to look to him as an example of how to live. Identify someone in your life who is spiritually mature and learn from them.
4-Being willing to do what is unnatural - that is being willing to step outside of your comfort zone, being willing to stretch yourself when it comes to generosity, being willing to step away from sin
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The Lie
I have a confession (aside from the obvious fact that it's been two months since I posted anything on here...wow)...I believed in a lie.
What is this lie I speak of? It goes something like this. If I do everything "right" as a parent, then my daughter will do everything "right" as a child.
To be honest, from my current vantage point, just writing that statement down is a little funny because I see how full of lies it really is.
#1 - There is not always a "right" way to parent. Sometimes the answer is just not that easy. In the midst of a temper tantrum (that you're really not even sure why it started in the first place), sometimes you just cannot gracefully get out of it. One day, Kate got upset for some reason and was crying in her room. I left her there and tried a couple times to go in and talk to her. Each time she responded by saying no, and pushing me out of the room. So, I decided if she wanted me out of the room I would sit in the room with her while she tantrumed. The tantrum never really ended; I distracted her with something and we moved on and later talked about the issue. My point is that when two year old emotion is so raw, sure there are several WRONG things to do, but not necessarily a RIGHT thing.
#2 - What worked once isn't necessarily going to work again. Sometimes it works to give Kate a choice. Clean up your toys with me or I am going to take them away. Sometimes given the same choice, Kate makes it clear that she wants to make the wrong choice. "Take it away," is what she says to me. (Of course I do, but somehow I feel like it is less of a victory :).)
#3 - Kate can no more be a perfect child than I can be a perfect parent. She after all, like me is human...a young human who has a lot of learning to do at that. I have a responsibility to teach her and guide her and help her develop character, but I cannot expect myself to be perfect at that nor her to respond perfectly every time.
What was the result of me believing in the lie?
The result was me wanting to tear my hair out all of the time. My expectations for myself were unrealistic and I felt like a failure.
If you are a parent, please do me a favor, and give yourself some grace. I am learning, day by day, to do so for myself and for my daughter.
What is this lie I speak of? It goes something like this. If I do everything "right" as a parent, then my daughter will do everything "right" as a child.
To be honest, from my current vantage point, just writing that statement down is a little funny because I see how full of lies it really is.
#1 - There is not always a "right" way to parent. Sometimes the answer is just not that easy. In the midst of a temper tantrum (that you're really not even sure why it started in the first place), sometimes you just cannot gracefully get out of it. One day, Kate got upset for some reason and was crying in her room. I left her there and tried a couple times to go in and talk to her. Each time she responded by saying no, and pushing me out of the room. So, I decided if she wanted me out of the room I would sit in the room with her while she tantrumed. The tantrum never really ended; I distracted her with something and we moved on and later talked about the issue. My point is that when two year old emotion is so raw, sure there are several WRONG things to do, but not necessarily a RIGHT thing.
#2 - What worked once isn't necessarily going to work again. Sometimes it works to give Kate a choice. Clean up your toys with me or I am going to take them away. Sometimes given the same choice, Kate makes it clear that she wants to make the wrong choice. "Take it away," is what she says to me. (Of course I do, but somehow I feel like it is less of a victory :).)
#3 - Kate can no more be a perfect child than I can be a perfect parent. She after all, like me is human...a young human who has a lot of learning to do at that. I have a responsibility to teach her and guide her and help her develop character, but I cannot expect myself to be perfect at that nor her to respond perfectly every time.
What was the result of me believing in the lie?
The result was me wanting to tear my hair out all of the time. My expectations for myself were unrealistic and I felt like a failure.
If you are a parent, please do me a favor, and give yourself some grace. I am learning, day by day, to do so for myself and for my daughter.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Terrible Twos
Kate turned two not quite a month ago. I had heard people say that there was a dramatic change in their children's behavior very near to the 2-year-old birthday. I kind of shrugged it off because I had already been dealing with some characteristic terrible two behavior for quite awhile.
That is why I was totally unprepared to wake up one day to a little girl who seemingly forgot how to listen and obey, went from independent in a positive way to INDEPENDENT all the way, cried all of the time, and deliberately misbehaved right in front of me. To be fair, she was not feeling well and so I think there was some more to the story, but for a couple of days we struggled! On the outside, I was able to remain fairly patient and level headed in responding to Kate and her needs, but on the inside I was a wreck. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was confused. I feared that it was going to last forever.
I prayed. I prayed a lot. I wanted God to show me a lesson in what was happening but I wasn't seeing it.
Then one night I read in Matthew about Jesus and the Pharisees. Jesus wasn't shy about what he thought about the Pharisees and all of their ritual and rules, but inward unrighteousness and rejection of him. But then a scripture caught my eye, "How often I've ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn't let me." Matthew 23:37 Despite all of the ways Jesus was disappointed at any moment he was eager, even longing, to welcome the Pharisees into his family.
As I read this and then spent time praying God showed me two lessons:
1 - I will always love Kate no matter what her behavior is like and she is always welcome to come running to my arms for love and acceptance. That is how God feels about us. We are not perfect, we throw some pretty creative temper tantrums, we disobey, but God is always willing to forgive and to love.
2 - I found it interesting that when Kate would do something she knew was wrong and she knew she was about to get in trouble, most of the time she would not run from me. Rather she would run to me in tears. I am not sure of her motives, but I know this is not my natural response to God when I screw up. Like Adam and Even, we like to cover our sin up and try to hide from God, but we cannot. Kate coming running to me was a good lesson for me to take my sin before God, be real with it, and ask for forgiveness so that I can receive that unconditional love and acceptance and move on.
Thankfully that particular week of extremely difficult behavior is over. I am sure there are more to come. I am praying the lessons don't stop coming and that God continues to give me patience and wisdom to be a Godly mom.
Reacting or Responding
About a week ago I watched in minor disbelief as Kate picked up a cup of crackers and very intentionally dumped the whole thing out on a piece of furniture in our living room. I wasn't overly upset, but for some reason my immediate reaction was to very firmly demand that she pick up the crackers RIGHT NOW. My voice was much more harsh than what it normally is and it kind of even surprised me.
Kate wilted. She flung herself on the ground sobbing then got up and ran away from me to her room where she continued to cry uncontrollably. This episode was just the latest in a string of emotional breakdowns and two-year-old behavior from her over the previous couple of days and the morning.
I knew that I had to see the situation through to a satisfactory ending of her picking up the crackers, so I drug her out to the living and began to patiently ask her to pick up the crackers. Over a period of a few minutes she continued to refuse. Each time she refused she would get punished and asked again and her composure only got worse.
I finally realized I was getting nowhere (DUH) and that I needed a new tactic. I put her in her bed, without the comforts of her blankie and baby and left her for a few minutes. When I returned to get her she was willing to pick up the crackers and after a few more tears and cuddles we were able to move on.
It didn't take me long to recognize that I reacted to Kate. To me, a reaction is an immediate gut-level response that typically isn't positive. In this particular case, I saw the consequences of my reaction immediately. Kate willfully dumped the crackers, but I don't think she did it to be naughty and my over the top reaction caught her off guard and she didn't respond well.
I've seen this in my marriage as well. My husband, as awesome and well-meaning as he is, can sometimes say some things that well peeve me a little. I have a choice to shoot back with a gut-level reaction - usually something sarcastic and rude - or to pause a moment and choose to either ignore the comment because I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or offer a polite explanation of why that might not have been the best thing to say at that moment - a much more appropriate response.
A response then, is when we take a minute, collect our thoughts and respond with our brains rather than our emotions. A response reduces the emotion and tension of the moment (most of the time) whereas a reaction intensifies it.
When dealing with two-year-olds, responses are always going to be better than reactions because at least in Kate's case, the emotions are typically already running pretty high.
The lesson I came away from this situation with was that a lot of our relationships could be a lot more positive if we were careful about taking time to respond and not fly off the handle with reactions when our feathers get ruffled.
Kate wilted. She flung herself on the ground sobbing then got up and ran away from me to her room where she continued to cry uncontrollably. This episode was just the latest in a string of emotional breakdowns and two-year-old behavior from her over the previous couple of days and the morning.
I knew that I had to see the situation through to a satisfactory ending of her picking up the crackers, so I drug her out to the living and began to patiently ask her to pick up the crackers. Over a period of a few minutes she continued to refuse. Each time she refused she would get punished and asked again and her composure only got worse.
I finally realized I was getting nowhere (DUH) and that I needed a new tactic. I put her in her bed, without the comforts of her blankie and baby and left her for a few minutes. When I returned to get her she was willing to pick up the crackers and after a few more tears and cuddles we were able to move on.
It didn't take me long to recognize that I reacted to Kate. To me, a reaction is an immediate gut-level response that typically isn't positive. In this particular case, I saw the consequences of my reaction immediately. Kate willfully dumped the crackers, but I don't think she did it to be naughty and my over the top reaction caught her off guard and she didn't respond well.
I've seen this in my marriage as well. My husband, as awesome and well-meaning as he is, can sometimes say some things that well peeve me a little. I have a choice to shoot back with a gut-level reaction - usually something sarcastic and rude - or to pause a moment and choose to either ignore the comment because I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or offer a polite explanation of why that might not have been the best thing to say at that moment - a much more appropriate response.
A response then, is when we take a minute, collect our thoughts and respond with our brains rather than our emotions. A response reduces the emotion and tension of the moment (most of the time) whereas a reaction intensifies it.
When dealing with two-year-olds, responses are always going to be better than reactions because at least in Kate's case, the emotions are typically already running pretty high.
The lesson I came away from this situation with was that a lot of our relationships could be a lot more positive if we were careful about taking time to respond and not fly off the handle with reactions when our feathers get ruffled.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Doing Battle
Kate is almost two. This means that for the last several months, things that previously were easy or happened without incident, now often involve...a battle. Now I have always been a fan of "choosing your battles" or evaluating if something is really worth the head on collision that is going to occur. Common battles for Kate and I: diaper changes, getting her hair washed, picking up the bath toys, brushing her teeth, not telling me "no". Battles I choose not to fight: what socks/shoes/coat she wears, wearing pajamas to the office, climbing (most of the time).
Awhile back, I'd had several nights in a row of the bathtub battle. Then all of a sudden, she happily laid down, got her her wet, soaped it up, and laid back down to rinse it out. No crying, no being held down, no soap in her eyes, just a happy clean baby. I realized that while no battle is fun while you are fighting it, and that while it is much easier sometimes to just give in to the two year old whim, if you never fight the battle, you never win the war.
What I mean by this is that if you never fight the battle, the battle keeps coming back because she knows that she will win. And those unfortunate moments as a parent when you feel like you can't do anything but pull your hair out keep occurring. The battles are not fun, but a permanent war with your toddler who thinks she can defeat you is even worse.
The same is true in our battle with sin. The Bible tells us that we are all sinners. It also tells us that when we receive Christ and the Holy Spirit we have help to defeat that sin, but it can still be a battle. If we choose to never face the battle, but continue to give in to our temptation (whatever that may be for you) then we only allow the war to continue. Those same temptations will only continue to come back to haunt us. When we face the battle and win, sometimes we have to do so repeatedly, then we will eventually win the war and that temptation will lose its control over us. And isn't that what we want, to be free from those sins that control us in order to live a more holy, pure life for Christ?
I pray that I will always have the courage to face my battles, with Kate for the sake of her character and development, and myself, for the sake of my own.
Awhile back, I'd had several nights in a row of the bathtub battle. Then all of a sudden, she happily laid down, got her her wet, soaped it up, and laid back down to rinse it out. No crying, no being held down, no soap in her eyes, just a happy clean baby. I realized that while no battle is fun while you are fighting it, and that while it is much easier sometimes to just give in to the two year old whim, if you never fight the battle, you never win the war.
What I mean by this is that if you never fight the battle, the battle keeps coming back because she knows that she will win. And those unfortunate moments as a parent when you feel like you can't do anything but pull your hair out keep occurring. The battles are not fun, but a permanent war with your toddler who thinks she can defeat you is even worse.
The same is true in our battle with sin. The Bible tells us that we are all sinners. It also tells us that when we receive Christ and the Holy Spirit we have help to defeat that sin, but it can still be a battle. If we choose to never face the battle, but continue to give in to our temptation (whatever that may be for you) then we only allow the war to continue. Those same temptations will only continue to come back to haunt us. When we face the battle and win, sometimes we have to do so repeatedly, then we will eventually win the war and that temptation will lose its control over us. And isn't that what we want, to be free from those sins that control us in order to live a more holy, pure life for Christ?
I pray that I will always have the courage to face my battles, with Kate for the sake of her character and development, and myself, for the sake of my own.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
"Bunnons"
I think it is adorable when Kate says "button." It comes out sounding more like "bunnons." It is only slightly less cute than when she says "kingcup" for ketchup (it definitely took me a little while to figure that one out).
The thing is however, when I look at Kate and say, "Say button" with emphasis on the "t" sound, she says it correctly. She has the ability to say the word the right way, but for whatever reason she doesn't.
In the broad scheme of life whether Kate says "bunnon" or "button" at 21 months old is rather irrelevant.
The concept of having the knowledge and ability to do something, but not doing it, is not. Here, I'm speaking more of myself and specifically of my walk as a Christian.
I read the Bible and I have a good understanding of what it means to be a Christian, or literally a follower of Jesus Christ. I desire to "do what Jesus would do." But I know that sometimes I miss the mark. Living like Jesus is to live a life of radical, sacrificial love, of confrontational, grace-filled teaching, of deep intimacy with the Father, and much more. I have the knowledge and ability, but I don't always do it.
I am grateful that Jesus gave us his Word and His example so that when I am tempted to go back to saying "bunnon" with my life, he reminds me to "say button." Ultimately, I cannot be like Jesus on my own anyway, it is only through Jesus, his sacrifice that defeated sin in my life, and the Holy Spirit that helps me every step of the way, that I too can love radically, teach well, have access to the Father, and much more.
The thing is however, when I look at Kate and say, "Say button" with emphasis on the "t" sound, she says it correctly. She has the ability to say the word the right way, but for whatever reason she doesn't.
In the broad scheme of life whether Kate says "bunnon" or "button" at 21 months old is rather irrelevant.
The concept of having the knowledge and ability to do something, but not doing it, is not. Here, I'm speaking more of myself and specifically of my walk as a Christian.
I read the Bible and I have a good understanding of what it means to be a Christian, or literally a follower of Jesus Christ. I desire to "do what Jesus would do." But I know that sometimes I miss the mark. Living like Jesus is to live a life of radical, sacrificial love, of confrontational, grace-filled teaching, of deep intimacy with the Father, and much more. I have the knowledge and ability, but I don't always do it.
I am grateful that Jesus gave us his Word and His example so that when I am tempted to go back to saying "bunnon" with my life, he reminds me to "say button." Ultimately, I cannot be like Jesus on my own anyway, it is only through Jesus, his sacrifice that defeated sin in my life, and the Holy Spirit that helps me every step of the way, that I too can love radically, teach well, have access to the Father, and much more.
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