Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Terrible Twos

Kate turned two not quite a month ago. I had heard people say that there was a dramatic change in their children's behavior very near to the 2-year-old birthday.  I kind of shrugged it off because I had already been dealing with some characteristic terrible two behavior for quite awhile.

That is why I was totally unprepared to wake up one day to a little girl who seemingly forgot how to listen and obey, went from independent in a positive way to INDEPENDENT all the way, cried all of the time, and deliberately misbehaved right in front of me.  To be fair, she was not feeling well and so I think there was some more to the story, but for a couple of days we struggled!  On the outside, I was able to remain fairly patient and level headed in responding to Kate and her needs, but on the inside I was a wreck.  I was tired.  I was frustrated.  I was confused.  I feared that it was going to last forever.  

I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  I wanted God to show me a lesson in what was happening but I wasn't seeing it.

Then one night I read in Matthew about Jesus and the Pharisees.  Jesus wasn't shy about what he thought about the Pharisees and all of their ritual and rules, but inward unrighteousness and rejection of him.  But then a scripture caught my eye, "How often I've ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn't let me."  Matthew 23:37  Despite all of the ways Jesus was disappointed at any moment he was eager, even longing, to welcome the Pharisees into his family.

As I read this and then spent time praying God showed me two lessons:

1 - I will always love Kate no matter what her behavior is like and she is always welcome to come running to my arms for love and acceptance.  That is how God feels about us.  We are not perfect, we throw some pretty creative temper tantrums, we disobey, but God is always willing to forgive and to love.

2 - I found it interesting that when Kate would do something she knew was wrong and she knew she was about to get in trouble, most of the time she would not run from me.  Rather she would run to me in tears.  I am not sure of her motives, but I know this is not my natural response to God when I screw up.  Like Adam and Even, we like to cover our sin up and try to hide from God, but we cannot.  Kate coming running to me was a good lesson for me to take my sin before God, be real with it, and ask for forgiveness so that I can receive that unconditional love and acceptance and move on.

Thankfully that particular week of extremely difficult behavior is over.  I am sure there are more to come.  I am praying the lessons don't stop coming and that God continues to give me patience and wisdom to be a Godly mom.

Reacting or Responding

About a week ago I watched in minor disbelief as Kate picked up a cup of crackers and very intentionally dumped the whole thing out on a piece of furniture in our living room.  I wasn't overly upset, but for some reason my immediate reaction was to very firmly demand that she pick up the crackers RIGHT NOW.  My voice was much more harsh than what it normally is and it kind of even surprised me.

Kate wilted.  She flung herself on the ground sobbing then got up and ran away from me to her room where she continued to cry uncontrollably.  This episode was just the latest in a string of emotional breakdowns and two-year-old behavior from her over the previous couple of days and the morning.

I knew that I had to see the situation through to a satisfactory ending of her picking up the crackers, so I drug her out to the living and began to patiently ask her to pick up the crackers.  Over a period of a few minutes she continued to refuse.  Each time she refused she would get punished and asked again and her composure only got worse.

I finally realized I was getting nowhere (DUH) and that I needed a new tactic.  I put her in her bed, without the comforts of her blankie and baby and left her for a few minutes.  When I returned to get her she was willing to pick up the crackers and after a few more tears and cuddles we were able to move on.

It didn't take me long to recognize that I reacted to Kate.  To me, a reaction is an immediate gut-level response that typically isn't positive.  In this particular case, I saw the consequences of my reaction immediately.  Kate willfully dumped the crackers, but I don't think she did it to be naughty and my over the top reaction caught her off guard and she didn't respond well.

I've seen this in my marriage as well.  My husband, as awesome and well-meaning as he is, can sometimes say some things that well peeve me a little.  I have a choice to shoot back with a gut-level reaction - usually something sarcastic and rude - or to pause a moment and choose to either ignore the comment because I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or offer a polite explanation of why that might not have been the best thing to say at that moment - a much more appropriate response.

A response then, is when we take a minute, collect our thoughts and respond with our brains rather than our emotions.  A response reduces the emotion and tension of the moment (most of the time) whereas a reaction intensifies it.

When dealing with two-year-olds, responses are always going to be better than reactions because at least in Kate's case, the emotions are typically already running pretty high.

The lesson I came away from this situation with was that a lot of our relationships could be a lot more positive if we were careful about taking time to respond and not fly off the handle with reactions when our feathers get ruffled.