About a week ago I watched in minor disbelief as Kate picked up a cup of crackers and very intentionally dumped the whole thing out on a piece of furniture in our living room. I wasn't overly upset, but for some reason my immediate reaction was to very firmly demand that she pick up the crackers RIGHT NOW. My voice was much more harsh than what it normally is and it kind of even surprised me.
Kate wilted. She flung herself on the ground sobbing then got up and ran away from me to her room where she continued to cry uncontrollably. This episode was just the latest in a string of emotional breakdowns and two-year-old behavior from her over the previous couple of days and the morning.
I knew that I had to see the situation through to a satisfactory ending of her picking up the crackers, so I drug her out to the living and began to patiently ask her to pick up the crackers. Over a period of a few minutes she continued to refuse. Each time she refused she would get punished and asked again and her composure only got worse.
I finally realized I was getting nowhere (DUH) and that I needed a new tactic. I put her in her bed, without the comforts of her blankie and baby and left her for a few minutes. When I returned to get her she was willing to pick up the crackers and after a few more tears and cuddles we were able to move on.
It didn't take me long to recognize that I reacted to Kate. To me, a reaction is an immediate gut-level response that typically isn't positive. In this particular case, I saw the consequences of my reaction immediately. Kate willfully dumped the crackers, but I don't think she did it to be naughty and my over the top reaction caught her off guard and she didn't respond well.
I've seen this in my marriage as well. My husband, as awesome and well-meaning as he is, can sometimes say some things that well peeve me a little. I have a choice to shoot back with a gut-level reaction - usually something sarcastic and rude - or to pause a moment and choose to either ignore the comment because I know he didn't mean to hurt me, or offer a polite explanation of why that might not have been the best thing to say at that moment - a much more appropriate response.
A response then, is when we take a minute, collect our thoughts and respond with our brains rather than our emotions. A response reduces the emotion and tension of the moment (most of the time) whereas a reaction intensifies it.
When dealing with two-year-olds, responses are always going to be better than reactions because at least in Kate's case, the emotions are typically already running pretty high.
The lesson I came away from this situation with was that a lot of our relationships could be a lot more positive if we were careful about taking time to respond and not fly off the handle with reactions when our feathers get ruffled.
No comments:
Post a Comment