Doing Battle

Kate is almost two.  This means that for the last several months, things that previously were easy or happened without incident, now often involve...a battle.  Now I have always been a fan of "choosing your battles" or evaluating if something is really worth the head on collision that is going to occur.  Common battles for Kate and I:  diaper changes, getting her hair washed, picking up the bath toys, brushing her teeth, not telling me "no".  Battles I choose not to fight:  what socks/shoes/coat she wears, wearing pajamas to the office, climbing (most of the time).

Awhile back, I'd had several nights in a row of the bathtub battle.  Then all of a sudden, she happily laid down, got her her wet, soaped it up, and laid back down to rinse it out.  No crying, no being held down, no soap in her eyes, just a happy clean baby.  I realized that while no battle is fun while you are fighting it, and that while it is much easier sometimes to just give in to the two year old whim, if you never fight the battle, you never win the war.

What I mean by this is that if you never fight the battle, the battle keeps coming back because she knows that she will win.  And those unfortunate moments as a parent when you feel like you can't do anything but pull your hair out keep occurring.  The battles are not fun, but a permanent war with your toddler who thinks she can defeat you is even worse.

The same is true in our battle with sin.  The Bible tells us that we are all sinners.  It also tells us that when we receive Christ and the Holy Spirit we have help to defeat that sin, but it can still be a battle.  If we choose to never face the battle, but continue to give in to our temptation (whatever that may be for you) then we only allow the war to continue.  Those same temptations will only continue to come back to haunt us.  When we face the battle and win, sometimes we have to do so repeatedly, then we will eventually win the war and that temptation will lose its control over us.  And isn't that what we want, to be free from those sins that control us in order to live a more holy, pure life for Christ?

I pray that I will always have the courage to face my battles, with Kate for the sake of her character and development, and myself, for the sake of my own.

"Bunnons"

I think it is adorable when Kate says "button."  It comes out sounding more like "bunnons."  It is only slightly less cute than when she says "kingcup" for ketchup (it definitely took me a little while to figure that one out).

The thing is however, when I look at Kate and say, "Say button" with emphasis on the "t" sound, she says it correctly.  She has the ability to say the word the right way, but for whatever reason she doesn't.

In the broad scheme of life whether Kate says "bunnon" or "button" at 21 months old is rather irrelevant.

The concept of having the knowledge and ability to do something, but not doing it, is not.  Here, I'm speaking more of myself and specifically of my walk as a Christian.

I read the Bible and I have a good understanding of what it means to be a Christian, or literally a follower of Jesus Christ.  I desire to "do what Jesus would do."  But I know that sometimes I miss the mark.  Living like Jesus is to live a life of radical, sacrificial love, of confrontational, grace-filled teaching, of deep intimacy with the Father, and much more.  I have the knowledge and ability, but I don't always do it.

I am grateful that Jesus gave us his Word and His example so that when I am tempted to go back to saying "bunnon" with my life, he reminds me to "say button."  Ultimately, I cannot be like Jesus on my own anyway, it is only through Jesus, his sacrifice that defeated sin in my life, and the Holy Spirit that helps me every step of the way, that I too can love radically, teach well, have access to the Father, and much more.

Surviving or Thriving

A typical day for me and Kate looks a little bit like this.  Wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed, pack up and head out the door.  We go to work (she goes with me most of the time), to the library, grocery shopping, play dates, etc.  When we get home it is time to make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner, sweep the floor, do a load of laundry, bath, pick up the house, and get ready for bed.

This probably sounds very familiar to most moms of little ones.  I hate to admit that a lot of the time I can get too focused on all of those tasks and not take time to really engage with Kate.  I spend more time trying to get her out of my way than taking time to play with her and do what she wants to do.  I can easily feel like all I do in a day is survive motherhood, not engage and thrive in it.

I think that we often live our entire lives like this - merely surviving and not engaging with the realities around us and with the purpose God has given us.  It is no secret that the world is full of suffering, poverty, war, violence, etc.  The most recent act of unspeakable violence and meaningless death took place in an elementary school - something so sad and difficult to deal with that it is tempting to turn away, ignore it, and wish it never happened.

I recently read in Richard Stearns book The Hole in our Gospel about what God expects of us.  He says, "The spread of the 'kingdom of God' was to be carried out on earth by His church.... Jesus' followers were not to sit idly and await His return; they were to strike out boldly as the advance guards in a revolution that will only be completed up on His return....We are not to give up on the world, nor retreat from it--just the opposite.  We are to reclaim and redeem the world for Christ's kingdom."

What I'm saying is that in both parenting and living, we are called to more than just surviving from sun up to sun down.  We are called to face the problems, the hurts, the suffering, and the temper tantrums and requests to play head on and engage in them - thriving, not surviving.

Temper Tantrums

Kate shoved the last of her second piece of Halloween candy into her mouth and pointed at the candy bucket and started begging for more.  In my mind I was thinking of the choice I had to make, say no and listen to the crying vs. what’s the harm of one more small piece of candy.  I decided one more small piece wouldn’t hurt and then endured the temper tantrum when I said No when she inevitably begged for a fourth.

As a parent, do you ever feel like the constant temper tantrums make you a bad parent?  After all shouldn’t our perfect little angels do exactly what they are told the first time we ask without complaint or whining?

Well actually, that is something they have to learn.  We humans are selfish, self-gratifying creatures.  Self-denial, self-control, and sacrifice are things that have to be learned.

19 month old Kate doesn’t have the maturity to deny herself from eating candy until she throws it up and so I have to do it for her.  And for now, she doesn’t have the maturity to accept NO without a big temper tantrum.

It doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong, it actually probably means I’m doing something right.  If there were no tantrums now and then I think I’d be more concerned.

As I reflected on this, I remembered that God asks us as adults to practice self-denial, self-control, and sacrifice as well.  We don’t learn these things as children for no reason at all.  In order to love and serve others we have to deny ourselves of the things we want.  Several times in God’s Word it says that in order to follow Him we will face suffering, persecution, hardship, and sacrifice.  We call this dying to self.

My logical next conclusion then was that if I didn’t occasionally have a desire to throw a temper tantrum, which of course a mature responsible adult would never do, then I am probably not fully living for Christ. 

I’m not saying that we adults should actually throw temper tantrums.  I am saying, we Christians need to remember what God has called us to, the sacrifice he demonstrated for us when he was hung on the cross to be punished for our sins, and then practice the same self-denial we teach our children (that our parents hopefully taught us).

And next time your little angel lets her distaste of your boundary be known, take a step back and be grateful for the opportunity to teach a very important spiritual and life long lesson.

Owies

I wish you could hear Kate say "owie."  I think it is her favorite word.  Either that or she is destined for a career in medicine.  Any abnormality on a person's skin (including birthmarks, freckles, tattoos, sometimes a random piece of fuzz) is immediately observed, pointed at, and declared an owie, repeatedly.

When Kate gets an owie, she points at it and requires a kiss from mommy or daddy(and anyone else who is close by) to make it feel better.  So far we have been blessed with no significant owies and some cuddle time and kisses is all it takes to make it all better.

I have observed from when Kate was very young that when she was hurting or in discomfort her mommy's presence was often all it took to soothe her.  For example, when she was teething, she just wanted to be held all the time.  Me holding her did nothing to alleviate the actual pain of her teeth, but somehow it made her stop crying, relax, and feel better.

In my life, I have observed many people with significant owies.  Deep hurts that come from sickness, death of loved ones, abuse, broken families, pain of personal choices, abandonment, etc.  The list of hurt and pain that is experienced in this world is endless.  Many lives are significantly impacted by that hurt that time just doesn't seem to be healing.

As a Christian, I have the knowledge that God is Healer and desires to take those hurts away.  As a person, who as I mentioned has encountered a lot of owies in others, I have often wondered just exactly what that looks like.  How does God take away your hurt?  How does he make it better?  How can I help hurting people find relief?  

I can show people that a relationship with their Heavenly Father does help to take away the pain.  God cannot undo what has been done and make the pain immediately stop hurting in the same way that I cannot make Kate's skinned knee stop hurting with a hug.  But my hug shows her that I care about her, I love her, and I am there with her until it does stop hurting.  

God's presence in our lives can be the same.  He doesn't make our pain immediately go away, but he sends us comfort by showing He cares, He loves us, and He isn't going away.   In a sense, He gives us the ability to   hold on through the pain.  He gives us a purpose - something to distract us from the pain.  He gives us a new way to live - choices that will not lead to more pain.  Sometimes in our pain we become angry and bitter.  In our bitterness we say and do things that we think are hurting the one who hurt us, but really we are only hurting ourselves.  God's presence helps us to get rid of the bitterness and choose grace and love instead.  This lessens your own pain.

I can not only show people to a relationship with their Heavenly Father, but I can also be a part of showing others his love.  Maybe I am the one God is depending on to go give someone who is hurting that mothering hug for him.  Maybe I am the one that God is depending on to hold someone's hand through a difficult time.  Maybe I am the one that God wants to sit and listen to someone share their story.

Mommy's aren't miracle workers even though they make babys' owies go away.  God is a miracle worker and His presence is enough to help make your owies go away.  

A Double Standard?

There are certain things, lots really, that are okay for me as the parent to do, that are not okay for Kate, the child to do.  For one, it is okay for me to tell Kate "No."  It is not okay for Kate to tell me, "No."  It is okay for me to open the make-up drawer (however rarely) in the bathroom.  It is not okay for Kate.  It is okay under the appropriate circumstances to remove something from Kate's hands - like the scissors she found the other day.  It is not okay for her to take something out of my hands or another child's.

A double standard exists in parenting.

You see, as an adult I have more freedoms than Kate does as a child because I have more knowledge than she does.  My freedoms came as I grew up, matured, and gained responsibility and wisdom.  You do not want to give anyone more freedom than what their current maturity level can handle.

As a parent of very young children this may seem obvious.  It is natural to set appropriate boundaries and limits that keep our young children safe and teach them respect.  As they grow older, it can become more difficult.  I have had the opportunity to parent older children as well as younger.  Situations where there was a double standard were often difficult for me to enforce because I didn't understand the concept above: freedom comes with responsibility and maturity.

Why do I bring this topic to this blog?  Because it helped me to understand God in a new way.  People often question why it is okay for God to order many people to be killed as he did in the Old Testament of the Bible, or why God can give us rules and expectations to follow.  While I do not claim to be any sort of learned or trained theologian, I believe one answer is because the relationship between us and God is like that between parent and child.

God has more knowledge than I do.  He is the author of Truth.  He is the creator of the world and everything in it.  He is the giver of wisdom.  He is All-knowing and All-powerful.  This means that he has way more freedom than I do.

Kate has to learn to trust me and the wisdom that I have to make decisions for her until she is old enough to make more decisions on her own behalf.  I have to learn to trust God and his wisdom to make decisions for me and for this world, even that I don't understand, because he is God.

In the end, I don't believe it is a double standard.  I believe that it is wisdom...God's design.

Filling up on Junk

I recently noticed that I was starting to develop some bad habits when it came to Kate snacking.  She had learned how to ask for food in a way that I understood - banging on her high chair and saying please - and so I obliged assuming she was hungry.  I quickly wised up to the fact that while maybe she was a little hungry she really just wanted something to eat and could easily be distracted and made to wait until the next meal.  This was important because I noticed that if she snacked, then she'd eat a small meal, and then she'd need another snack and then eat another small meal.  A vicious cycle.  Yes, some would advocate for this smaller portion size, more frequent meal routine, but in this case the snacks weren't always the healthiest options for Kate and were probably better left out of the routine.  When we don't have snacks during the day, Kate eats more of the vegetables and healthier variety of foods that are given at meal time than she otherwise would.

God used this mothering experience to teach me about my own snacking habits...and I'm not talking about food.  Suppose building a relationship with God is "meals" and other things in life that tend to eat up our time, attention, thoughts, etc. are "snacks."  Those things can be anything from work, to television and media, to hobbies, to books, and so on.  Not necessarily bad things, but things that lack substance and the life giving nutrition that we can only get from God; things that can get in the way of our relationship with God if we eat too much of it.  When we fill up our lives with snacks, then we have less room for meals.  

Our lives can get filled up in a couple of different ways.  Time - the obvious answer.  Thoughts - the snacks in our life can consume our thought life and make it more difficult to focus on God and to be aware of the work that He is doing around us.  Finally, we can get a false sense of being full.  If we seek our happiness, comfort, peace, security, etc from snacks and it temporarily satisfies then we are never forced to go to God - the true source of peace, joy, love, acceptance, and salvation.

As I mentioned, snacks tend to be less healthy, at least in my house anyway.  But they can taste better than the veggies served for dinner.  It takes a lot of self-control, sacrifice, and discipline to say no to the snack and yes to the green beans.  Those things that get in the way of our relationship with God are often attractive, fun, enjoyable, relaxing and it takes some serious discipline to forego those activities.  As any successful dieter can tell you, the sacrificial discipline is what brings results.

Stop filling up on junk and enjoy a healthy meal with your Father today.