He Moves!

I believe strongly that it is important to share openly and publicly when we see God at work.  

To that end, I have a few stories to share about my youngest daughter, AJ.  

In the last several months I have been praying some very specific things for her.  Things that I had to be honest with myself about the fact that I had no power on my own to make them happen. 

The first thing, and the most significant, was for AJ to choose Jesus as her Lord and Savior and pray to dedicate her life to Him.  After a few conversations in which AJ clearly indicated she just wasn't ready to do this, which I accepted, she came to me one morning and told me that she had prayed to be in God's family on her own in her room.  We celebrated and rejoiced and reinforced what that meant.  And I give God all the glory for working in her heart and for her eternal salvation.  He Moves! And only He Saves!

The second thing, is the curing of some wounds on AJ's legs that were the result of a bad habit of picking. I was banging my head against a wall with an endless cycle of putting band aids and ointment on, punishments for picking, and inducements or bribes for not picking, only for her to rip them off as soon as she was left alone. I persisted in asking others to join me in prayer over the healing of these spots.  But I got more and more frustrated and desperate to just fix it on my own.  I finally paused long enough to let God speak to me.  The small voice that I attribute to God suggested that I quit the band-aids, and leave them be.  While it was a leap of faith, I stopped the daily band-aid party.  AJ picked at the spots a couple of times but started leaving them alone more and more.  It took some time, but those spots have healed and her picking is dramatically reduced.  I give God all the glory.  No band-aid or creative efforts on my part can take any credit.  He Moves!

Finally, I have a story about an attitude.  As a mom, I find that I can be brutally honest and aware of what I consider to be character flaws in my girls.  One of the things that has bothered me the most in AJ is her sense of entitlement and ingratitude.  If you are familiar with the "If you Give A (Mouse a Cookie, or Moose a Muffin, or Pig a Pancake and so on)" books by Laura Numeroff, then you have some idea of what AJ is like.  It doesn't really matter how awesome of a thing you give her, she can come up with something wrong with it, or something else she needs within a matter of seconds.  While I can do some basic things to enforce gratitude and be careful about how often I give in to dramatic begging so as not to indulge the princess, I am powerless to change her heart.  I've been specifically praying for this in her and for God to grow in her a heart of gratitude.  

Recently, AJ had a playdate and used up an impressive amount of toothpaste making slime.  So she needed some new toothpaste.  I also picked up some fruit flavored floss sticks for her.  She used them and promptly declared how awful they tasted.  But, she quickly followed that up with, "Thanks for trying to get me something that tastes good. I'm going to be grateful for what I got." You could have knocked me over with a feather.  And that is not the only time recently that AJ has expressed gratitude rather than complaints after being given something. I give God all the glory because only He can change a heart. He Moves!

In short, I shouldn't be surprised when the things that I pray for start to come to pass. I should expect them. Because God Moves. He works in our hearts, and in our lives, and He is present and cares about even the details.  

Three principles to hold onto:

1 - Pray - motherhood can feel overwhelming and hopeless when you are stuck in situations of bad habits, bad attitudes, or things you desire for your children more than they desire it for themselves. But if we know God, we don't need to know hopelessness.  We need to pray! Invite God in. Ask Him what if anything we need to do.  Take time to listen. And then keep praying!

2 - Expect results.  He Moves.  Watch for him to move in the areas that you are specifically praying over. 

3 - Then, be sure to give Him the glory. Sure it makes me sound a bit like a crazy person to say that God told me to stop putting band-aids on my kids' leg. But I have no business taking the credit for something that God did.  It wasn't my persistence or creativity or wonderful discipline or selfless 24/7 supervision that kept dirty fingers out of leg wounds and allowed them to heal.  God did it, and he deserves the glory. So, crazy person or not, I tell my story. 

Because I want others to not feel hopeless in whatever situation they find themselves in.  And I want to give glory and honor to God for all that He does around us, often without us even bothering to pay attention to it.  

Keep praying friends. He Moves!

This is Love

It was one of those rare Michigan spring/summer days where it wasn't so hot that you needed air conditioning and it wasn't so cold that you needed three layers and a blanket to keep you warm.  It was a perfect, sunny day and the windows were open. There was just enough breeze (in my area of lake effect, flat land, full of fields without enough trees to block it there is always a breeze) that as long as I didn't create the perfect draft by opening the wrong combination of windows everything inside would stay pretty much where it was. 

Through one of those open windows I caught a glimpse of a little girl running through the yard and also could hear her happy giggles as she ran.

In that moment all I could think was, "man I love her so much." For no other reason that she is my little girl. To see and hear her joyful and happy, carefree and running around in the beautiful day filled my own heart with great joy as well. 

Unless you are a parent, I think it is difficult to describe the feeling that came over me in that moment. 

I felt it again a few days later as the same little girl was again playing outside with her hair up in 2 perfect pig tails and her big sister was wandering around the yard in her movie star sunglesses, sunhat, fake cell phone talking to herself and pretending to text as she almost walked directly into a large rock. 

Their innocence.  Their imaginations. Their adorableness.  They're my kids.  

It occurs to me that this love, the overwhelming, hits you like a wave, impossible to put into words, and even unexplainable at times (because those very same adorable, innocent children can also make you absolutely crazy at times), is the love that God our Father has for us.  

We don't earn it.  We don't really deserve it.  

He just looks upon us and is overcome with his love for us...his children...his creation...his image. 

But that is not where love ends.  With a warm fuzzy feeling.  

More than being a feeling love is a choice.  

It is choosing to be loving even when I am annoyed, tired, frustrated, angry...need I go on.

It is choosing to be loving even when I have been hurt. 

It is choosing to be loving even when others don't understand my actions as love. 

Say what?

Those same sweet adorable, innocent children described above can be naughty at times.  Or they have to be told no on occassion because well love.  

They don't feel very loved when they are being disciplined.  They don't feel very loved when I don't say yes as they point to every shiny item on the shelf as we wander the store.  They don't feel very loved when boundaries are put in place.  And they like to tell me, "You're mean. Why are you so grumpy all the time?"  Did I mention their dramatic skills are on point?

But the reality is that I wouldn't be loving them well if I let them get away with whatever and gave them whatever they wanted.  

Love isn't always the soft choice, the easy choice.  Love is often realizing that you experience some sort of short term pain in order to achieve something long term like character and maturity.  Love is often speaking up and saying the hard words when it would be easier to just look the other way. Love is extending grace and kindness and patience to my kids even when I don't really feel like it and they don't really deserve it. 

I am really grateful that God gave us the capacity to feel love.  To look at someone and be overwhelmed with how much you care for that individual.  To appreciate them. Respect them. Be filled with joy at their joy.  

I am less grateful that the feeling sometimes fades leaving us with the responsibility to continue choosing love. 

I hope at this point you've realized that this concept applies beyond just the relationship between a parent and a child.  

God's word tells us to love others. All others. All the time. (Matthew 22:39)

Those we have warm fuzzy feelings about and those we don't. 

Those we agree with and have fun with and those we don't.

Those who look like us and act like us and those who don't. 

Those who deserve it and those who don't. 

The Bible tells us also that love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13)

When I look around me, I see a world that needs a whole lot more of this kind of love. 

Love that stands up against injustice.

Love that forgives as it heals from deep wounds. 

Love that repents because it is humble. 

Love that responds rather than reacts because it is not easily angered. 

Love that pursues truth and makes no room for evil of any kind. 

Love that protects life.  

Love that trusts; giving others the benefit of the doubt when possible. 

Love that gives the world hope. 

Love that never gives up. 

We will fail.  We will fall short.  We will not be perfect in loving others.

But the Bible also gives us an example and an expression of perfect love in the form of Jesus. Being in every way God, he became a man, flesh and blood, and humbled himself in sacrifice on a cross, a criminals death, to save us all from an eternity of hell as consequence for our sin.  Consequence for our nature that will keep us from loving perfectly all the time. Jesus' love has given us forgiveness, grace, a call to repentance, a path to healing, the gift of eternal life, and ultimately hope...hope that all that is around us right now is not all that there is.  

This is Love.

1 John 4:7-12

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and God raised him from the dead you will be saved. Romans 10:9

It's that simple if you are ready to receive the love that God has for us!

 

For Mommas

In reality, I think all of my posts are for Mommas.  But today's seems to me to be especially so and fitting for Mother's Day.

We are in a season of a "statewide stay home order" which for many of us means lots of extra time with our kids.  We love our kids, but let's be honest.  That much time with anyone, let alone a miniature, unrefined version of yourself and/or your husband 24/7 can be a lot to handle.

I've personally been very blessed and enjoying watching maturity flourish in my girls over these past several weeks.  From keeping up on daily chores which reduces my cleaning burden to being the recipient of two parties that were all about making me feel loved and special, my kids have been a blessing.  As I've enjoyed this, I've reflected on how not that long ago if you had told me my kids would one day throw me a birthday party I would have probably laughed.

If your kids are younger than mine (or decidedly less awesome - btw a point for which I take very little credit because I have no magic formula for creating awesomeness in children) then likely your day to day is a bit more wearying than mine.

I remember the days of rotating between diapers, nap time, endless laundry, food time, clean a little somthing only to turn around and repeat again and again and again until finally they are in bed for the night...hopefully.

I remember the days of pouring yourself out into those little people and meeting their every need (well almost) and getting very little thanks in return.
Some of us treasure these little years more and others of us struggle more.

Wherever you are at, I have two words of encouragement for you:

1 - They do grow up.  They do mature.  They do learn how to pour into you.  And even if they aren't the "parent appreciation party" planning type like my Kate, they will find their own ways to make you know you are loved and appreciated.

2 - Be glad you're not a bird (but learn from them)

Being home more I've had opportunity to pay attention to the numerous birds living around our house. One day I watched a mama bird in her nest on a branch of one of our pine trees. It was windy and raining and she bounced and blew and sat dutifully on her nest through it all.

Another bird has laid her eggs in our rocks on the edge of our strawberry patch.

Much to her chagrin the strawberry patch needed to be weeded and I encroached on her territory. 

So what have I learned from these determined and fierce mothers? (P.S. I don't know that much about birds, for all I know it was the fathers but shh. let's just pretend we know it was the female.)

Aside from learning that I am grateful I am not a mother bird who has to sit on a nest in the rain and has nothing but a shrill voice to defend my young with, I have learned the following.

#1 - Defend your babies for all your worth.

While I was weeding the part of the strawberries closest to her, she was in my face!  About a foot away from me at times with her feathers spread out and her shrill tweet ringing in my ears.  She was nervous and definitely afraid of me, and yet more afraid that I was going to do her babies harm and that she needed to get me away.  She didn't back down the entire time. 

Needless to say I've never pulled weeds faster.

This mama bird taught me what it means to be a serious defender of my children.  And please remember that the most dangerous enemy they face is not one of flesh and blood.  The greatest enemy we face is the spiritual forces of evil that have come to kill, steal and destroy. 

What is our weapon against such an enemy?  Prayer and the Word of God which is the sword of the spirit. 

Seriously, one of the greatest protections and blessings you can give to your children is to be in prayer over them and to pray scripture from the Bible over them.

#2 - Care and provide for your babies.

Like the mama bird in the storm or another one who has 4 little babies in her tiny nest, we are resonsible for feeding and caring for the needs of our children. Day after day. In the rain and in the sunshine.  At whatever personal cost and sacrifice.  If God placed that natural instinct and desire to care for and provide in a bird, how much more so has he given it to us who bear his image.

#3 - Prepare them for independence

While there are a lot of nests full of baby birds around here right now, they will not be so for long.  In just a few short weeks the babies will be flying and will be out on their own. A mother bird does not care for them and meet their every need forever.

Instead, she prepares them for what lies ahead and launches them when it is time.

We have a bit longer of time with our young ones before we launch them, probably because they have a bit more to learn, but it is nonetheless not our job to grow them to be dependent upon us forever.  Rather it is our job to grow them to be prepared for launch.  That means doing the hard work of teaching them to do things rather than doing it for them.  That means standing alongside them as they have awkward conversations with other grown ups.  That means giving them their own tools of prayer and Bible study so that while they may grow in independence from you as parent, they are also growing in dependence on God.  That means dying to self and allowing them to take steps away from the protection of your wing where you feel most in control.

#4 - Prepare for loss

It is a sad reality that not every baby bird makes it.  We've found our fair share of little birdies that have fallen out of their nests and not been able to recover.

Our loss is not always losing the life of one of our babies.  Our loss may be grieving over the choices they make, the friends they choose, the attitude they give us, or the reality of them growing up and moving on.  Our loss as a mama in whatever shape it takes is very real.

And often, that hurt leads us to a place where we start to doubt ourselves.  Our identity is cracked and we can become very discouraged and down on ourselves.  Mama, this is not what God desires for you.  Remember that no one is perfect, no one is a perfect mother.  At the end of the day you have to do your best, own up to where you fell short and make it right if necessary (yup, that means apologizing to your kids on occassion), and remember that no matter how many mistakes you made your identity in Christ is that you are a chosen, precious, and loved Child of God.

God loves you no matter what.  He thinks you are valuable no matter what.  You don't get to think less of yourself. He is the one who created you and so has the right to tell you what you are worth.  You are worth dying for Mama. 

And when life with littles crumbles around you, remember that just as God cares for the birds of the air and the flowers of the field, He cares for You and thinks you are worth dying for.


In case you haven't figured it out yet, I had a few things I wanted to say and did my best to make it all flow together some how. But I will leave with you three things in summary as a note to any mom who is struggling today:

1) It will get better.  And probably harder at times...but that's a whole other story
2) There's always something to be grateful for...at least you are not a mama bird
3) You are WORTH DYING FOR!

Happy Mother's Day.

Lessons in the Quarantine

Apparently it takes a global pandemic to initiate a blog post as it has been about a year since my last one.  It doesn't hurt that I just got a new computer and now all of the keys on my keyboard work without having to awkwardly pick up the corner first.  Typing just got a lot more enjoyable again. :)

In all honesty, I think this post may be more cathartic for myself than a help for anyone else. But in some small way the things that I am pondering and have learned may resonate with others and have an impact in some small way.

In keeping with the title of the blog, Lessons in the Moment, the following are Lessons in the Quarantine...in no particular order.

I should also say that I in no way have all of this figured out, nor are all of our days perfect because of these things in place (in varying degrees of success day to day).  But I have learned that if I wait until I am perfect to share, well then we'd be waiting awhile.

1 - You set the tone -

As much as possible, as the parent you can strive to set the tone and the attitude of the home.  We are dealing with our own losses, frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. but as much as possible we want to set those aside (not in a pretend they are not real kind of way), and demonstrate an attitude of grace, patience, flexibility and most importantly gratitude.  If the kids hear you complaining and grumbling and witness your short temper, what do you think they are going to do?  So, take the time that you need to brush off all of your junk, deal with it with the Lord, and then engage with your kids from a place of peace and gratitude.

It's also ok to be real.  We kicked stones in the road and talked together about how sad we were that school as we know it was done for the school year.  But then we also talked about what about that was a blessing.  And how we can still connect to friends and teachers.  Etc.  We need to model to our kids how to talk about their emotions and frustrations because otherwise they come out as negative behaviors (they still will btw - learning takes time!) and we can often add to their emotion by not recognizing that as the source and just dealing with the behavior.

When I picked my girls up from school on their last half day, Kate was in epic melt down mode before we'd made it 5 miles down the road.  I believe my phrase was her anxiety and sadness is spilling out all over the place and everyone in range was getting hit with it.  I disciplined and corrected as necessary and also redirected with a lot of humor.  Eventually with some food in her tummy and a fun distraction she was giggling and focused on a new task.  And we all heaved a huge sigh of relief.  If I'd strung her up a tree like I really wanted to (and like she deserved) we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

#preachingtomyselfhere

2 - You do you -

Whether we like it or not, due to our present circumstances, remote learning (i.e. school at home) is the new thing.  Our school has provided us with so many amazing resources and tools in order to carry out this remote learning.  And of course the wonderful world of social media is full of others pinterest worthy schedules, creativity, and educational kodak moments (you are my true audience if you are old enough to get that reference).

If you are not careful, what this can do is set you up for immediate failure status.

So my advice for remote learning or whatever you want to call it (zookeeping perhaps) is you do you.  You know what your priorities are and what your kids need.  You know what routine needs to look like in your home and how much time/space/and patience you have to be sitting side by side with them while they learn.  So glean what you can from the resources and creativity of others and use what works for you.

In my home, I have some specific things I want my girls working on and their daily expectations are focused around that.  I also know that they don't like and it doesn't go well if I am in the middle of all of their learning.  So a lot of what they do is independent and their choice (within options I have provided).  This works for us.  It might not for you.

What is important is that we give eachother and ourselves some grace.  You do you.

My kids are young.  And I keep reminding myself that this 3 month set back in schooling is not going to devastate their entire lives.  Are we going to do nothing?  No, but we certainly aren't going to turn our home into a battle zone day in day out to live up to someone else's goals.

#exceptwhenreadingwithAJ


3 - Laugh a lot -

AJ has THE BEST LAUGH.  And facial expressions.  And verbal expressions. She is darn funny and I am so glad to be quarantined with her because she makes me laugh daily.

Kate is slower to laugh or to show any emotion really.  And even though she is only 9, she has a 13 year old attitude that is not afraid to express that Mom is dumb most of the time.

So, one of my favorite things to do is to be just crazy out of character silly and funny because I love to hear AJ laugh and because I love to see Kate be more like a little girl again.

People outside of my home will likely NEVER see this side of me.  But my kids get to.  Funny voices and accents (they are so terrible!), dancing and singing (sorry kids), talking for the dog or other inanimate objects, dramatic overrreactions...

These things just make us giggle and laugh.  It can turn the tide of a bad attitude pity party or an all out sibling battle.

So my advice, figure out what makes your kiddos laugh, no matter how crazy you have to get to do it, and then laugh all you can.

4 - Shake it up -

I have lost count of the things that we have done during quarantine that are on the list of things I would likely have never done otherwise, or at least not done often.

Pull out all the stops here.  If your kids ask for something and it is in the realm of possiblity, try to say yes.

Shake it up.  Surprise them with your yes.

And then realize that it wasn't so bad and maybe shouldn't be on the "only in a global pandemic quarantine" list. It might be okay to break out once or twice a year.

5 - Commit to learning/changing -

Continuing in the vein of the one just above, realize that we are doing life differently right now.  Fewer places to go. Different things we say no and yes to.  Possibly more quality family time.

Whatever it is, be willing to take some time and think about it.  What is good that has come out of this time?  And what do I want to hold on to from this?

Part of setting the tone in your house is committing to not just surviving this time, but using it to make us better.

That activity I mentioned above that brought Kate out of a deep funk of an attitude was giving fairy names to all of the people at my office.  During that activity the girls dubbed me the "Busy fairy".  Now, I take all things my 6 year old drama queen says with a grain of salt however it was worth thinking about.  And while I honestly don't feel a lot less busy right now I am busy in a different way.

I have always responded to and met my kids needs and wants.  But I can do so with a greater presence and a greater priority right now and that is something that I want to hold onto.  I don't mind being the busy fairy as long as the little minion fairies don't feel like they've been left in the dust behind me.

6 - Keep your routines -

One of our most consistent routines is in the evening.  Jammies on.  Applesauce and fruit snacks for Kate and AJ and then I read to them.  Sometimes for as long as an hour.  We've gone through hundreds of books in the last few years.  This is something that is important to us and bedtime can be a struggle if we don't keep this routine.

Whatever routine you have had that is helpful to you and your day, keep it. Kids need this (and so do we!!!)

As much as possible bedtimes should be included in this.  They won't sleep in later if you keep them up later...I promise!! ;)

7 - And be willing to be flexible -

On the other hand, when the evening calls for it, pop a bowl of popcorn, make a mess with it all over each other and the couch and the blanket while you enjoy a good movie together way past bedtime.

It's all about balance.  Remember, we are surprising the kids by being willing to change things up.

8 - My kids need a dad (not another mom) -

Let me explain.  There are times when that ugly enemy of mine self-pity shows up and starts me down a path of wishing my husband was more like me, saw the things that needed to be done the same what that I did, had the same priorities as me, parented exactly like me, etc.

And then one day in the middle of this God hit me upside the head with a two by four and said your kids don't need another mom, they have you.  They need a dad.  And of course he was right.

They need someone to fix their bikes and challenge us all to ride on the trails and not just black top.  They need someone to build marble runs that are way cooler than mine.  They need someone who is more laid back and quicker to have fun.

Do they relate to their dad different than they do to me?  Of course.  As it should be.

For those of you who are doing this thing as a single mom or a single dad, you get all the props.  Because it isn't easy.

And for those of you who may be like me and wish your husband could be a bit more like you.  Instead try to be grateful for the ways he is different and covers your weaknesses with his strengths.

#gamechanger
#definitelydontneedtwoofme

9 - Give your kids space to share -

Another favorite thing to do is to ask my girls at random times if there is anything they would like to talk about.

Kate, while not the emotive one, is actually usually easier to figure out what she is thinking and feeling.  Take her on a walk and she'll talk your ear off.  I know more about third grade drama (even having not been to school in a month) than I care to know.

AJ on the other hand basically shares her emotions through a lot of overreactive drama.  I mean drama so over the top that she could put all of Hollywood out of business. So when I ask her this at bedtime sometimes it is partly just for my own entertainment.  Usually I get some very random comment about something that happened days ago that has nothing to do with anything and nothing to do with what she starts talking about in the next breath 10 seconds later.

But every once in awhile I get a gem like, "I feel like you give Kate more attention than me."  Not true, but a valid feeling she has none the less and so we get to talk about that.

In the midst of the busyness, don't forget to give your kids space to share.  If for no other reason than your own enjoyment.

10 - Don't forget to pray...a lot -

I mean, enough said.  But really, even in the middle of any mess, when you literally have no idea what to do next with wild emotions of a wannabe tween, adorable but crazy drama of a 6 year old, or your own exhaustion, just pray.

11 - Let them be little -

One of the things that I've always noticed about my girls is that they are really good at independent play and they really need that time.  It is also the way that they process things sometimes.  I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a Barbie family in quarantine somewhere in one of the bedrooms upstairs because that is just what they do.

Nothing gives me more joy than watching Kate (my 9 year old going on 13) immersed in an imaginative world of play like a little girl again.  Or better yet, seeing them push each other on the swing and giggle or walk hand in hand to the field in the bark yard.

My girls need this time to be little and I need it too.

12 - Let it go

I have had to work on letting the chaos and mess of the house go.  And also the quality of the cleaning.  Part of the girls expectations is to do a chore a day.  And those chores are the things that I tend to feel the need to do the most often.  So they are keeping up the house (not quite mom quality but it works) and I am freed up to focus on other things like working from home, meals, time with them, etc.

And then once a week go through and clean your stress away.  That helps too.

13 - I will not be your referee -

It didn't take long into this quarantine for me to have a little moment with my girls.  You may not come to me with every little squabble that you have.  We talked through some very specific steps they are to take and are only allowed to come to me after that has been done.  They still do, but I don't tend to get involved.

This is my preference because typically they don't really want my advice.  They just want me to enforce them getting their way.

I am saving my sanity by choosing to not become their referee.  I mean I won't let anyone die or anything...

Because that is the goal.  Keep the tiny humans alive!


So there you have it.  My very awkwardly ended list of things I've learned in quarantine.

I think maybe I have left off one thing.   I can't imagine doing this without a faith in Jesus Christ and a trust in Him as my Lord and Savior and as my refuge and hope.  That's a lot of frilly church words that basically just means that without something bigger than this world to put my hope in I would be a mess.  But I do have something bigger, someone bigger.  Jesus, who has defeated death and is worthy of my praise and honor.  He has given me a hope and a purpose.  If you don't have that for yourself and you are curious, I'd love to chat.  Feel free to reach out.

Planting Seeds Part 2

I remember like it was yesterday.  I'd finally had enough of the tornado aftermath status of the playroom and would order all hands on deck to clean and purge. This typically turned into me doing a lot of cleaning, purging, and frustrated encouraging for the girls to do their share (also known as yelling). In the end the playroom was neat and organized and a small bag of items was removed to donate.

In my calmer moments I would ponder how if I was more patient and placed less importance on having the room picked up as quickly as possible then the girls might actually have more readily participated and done something alongside me.

Fast forward to this evening. As I ran on the treadmill I had my television show on but I found myself watching with a smile the other show that was going on the room more.  Kate was finishing cleaning up and reorganizing the playroom in preparation for her sleepover next week.  She completely took apart the entire play kitchen, sorted out a pile of things to get rid of, and then sorted and organized and put it all back together with Type A precision. Down to the salt and pepper and banana on the shelf rather than in the fridge.

I remember something else like it was yesterday. Kate started taking piano lessons and would play through her songs once spending a whole 2 to 3 minutes practicing each night. I would lecture and threaten and do all sorts of proven parenting tactics to get her to see that if she worked harder she would learn faster and it would be more fun. 

More recently, Kate has gotten far more interested in practicing. She has memorized several of her songs, tries to write her own songs and willing plays them multiple times each night in practice. When she is playing you can tell she is having fun. 

So what's the point?

The point is that whether my techniques were perfect (which they weren't) or my pupils were willing participants (which they weren't) seeds were planted and tonight I got to see the fruit.

You see she didn't just clean a playroom or play a piano.

She took pride in her space and wanted to make it nice.

She chose to set items aside knowing we would donate them and they would help someone else.

She has learned the value of hard work and is taking pride in her accomplishments on the piano.

She made her mama proud and encouraged me to keep trudging forward in all of my imperfections as a mother knowing that seeds are being planted.

And you, whatever your situation is that may make you feel like all of your efforts are in vain, keep on. You never know when a perfectly organized kitchen is waiting for you.

It Can Be Done

It started when she was very young - just a couple of months old.  She would take her paci out of her mouth and put her thumb in.  I myself was a finger sucker when I was young and as a tired momma this self soothing tactic my younger daughter had found was in all honesty wonderful.  I mean you cannot lose your thumb!

As she got older, AJ was quite dependent on not just her thumb but also her blankie.  We had 5 blankies that she rotated through.  The situation was serious when 3 or more were in the laundry at one time!  Blankie went everywhere.  For those of you who remember Charlie Brown and are picturing Linus dragging his blanket behind him, you have precisely the right idea.

Between her years of 1.5 to 2.5, AJ had a reoccurring health issue that resulted in her having to be "put under" 7 times for surgeries and tests.  Needless to say that those long hours in the hospital the thumb and the blankie were a lifeline for comfort and we were in no hurry to take them away.

Fast forward and AJ was now 5 years old, had started kindergarten, and we still had just not found the right time to break these habits.  She relied on them less for certain.  She went a whole school day without.  But now with school looming every morning, the thought of taking away the blankie at bedtime and making it more difficult for her to fall asleep just seemed like a bad idea.

Into this mess, AJ added another bad habit.  She liked to pick at her owies.  Most of them started as bug bites but she picked and picked and picked at them unti they were a nasty mess.  She would pull off bandaids to pick and could basically not be left alone at any moment that her limbs were not fully covered because she would pick until she bled.

Enough was enough.  It was time to eliminate all three of those habits.

So we taped little mittens to the sleeves of her pajamas and put her to bed with no thumb and no blankie.  Those first few nights were rough!  I laid down with her to keep her in bed and she flopped and she rolled and she sighed and she got so hot she unbuttoned her shirt.  (She might have a little bit of a dramatic side!) But she did eventually fall asleep. 

Over the course of about a month she slept with the mittens on, found other means of comfort and snuggling that didn't include sucking her thumb or snuggling her blankie and she learned how to fall asleep more quickly. And when the mittens came off, her owies were healed and the picking hasn't been near the same problem as it was before.

I share this with you today because somebody out there needs to hear that It Can Be Done.  Those habits can be broken.  The nagging voices of fear and doubt that she will never fall asleep, it isn't going to work, it's going to take too much effort, are not true. 

As a momma, I often find myself trapped into thinking that a certain stage or difficult behavior or bad habit is forever.  Its the new normal.  It isn't overcomable. 

That is a lie from the enemy, meant to discourage, frustrate, and paralyze you into doing nothing.

Take heart momma, this too will pass.  This difficult season you may be in is not forever.  And that thing that you know needs to change that you have been putting off or afraid to try, get serious about it, stand firm to your plan, and IT CAN BE DONE.

If AJ can live life without her blankie and her thumb, then I feel pretty confident just about anything is possible :). 

True Repentance

So school started a few weeks ago.  Our oldest is a first grader and so while I am relatively inexperienced in the broad scheme of things, I think it is safe to say that at least in our household back to school adjustment is TOUGH!  

Last week was week 3...I think.  That really doesn't matter because the point is that last week was ROUGH.

There was crying, yelling, defying, more crying...and all of this led to...TIME FOR BED!

As peacefully and firmly as I could muster I put the hot mess of a six year old to bed and prayed that she would get some rest.  I was in the process of getting her younger sister into the bathtub and moving toward bed when the previously consigned to bed child insists that there is something in the living room that I need to see.

I send her back to bed and eventually make it into the living room to see 

"I Luv You" and I Sare sare sare sare sare sare sare... written all over the marker board.  

Little did I know that at that moment my battle with said child had only just begun.  You see I had put her to bed before her beloved reading time and she was determined to get it back.  In that moment, her very thorough apology was really just all about getting out of trouble and getting her reading time back.  

Knowing that it would lead to further meltdowns I acknowledged her apology, affirmed my love, and sent her back to bed.

After several more rounds of whack a mole later her attitude had changed.  Rather than just talking about getting privileges back she was talking about working together to help her change her behavior.  She said, Mommy I want to do something to help me.  Promising her we would talk about it the next day, she finally fell asleep.

And I can honestly say that while our difficult moments haven't completely disappeared we have been working together to stop them before they escalate.

You see the point is that true repentance leads to a change of heart, a change of attitude, and ultimately a change of behavior, it is not just about getting something.

Repenting of our sins is more than just an apology to God.  It is a deep grief and sadness over our sin and a commitment to let God walk alongside us to do better next time.  

I pray that I have the strength and courage to face my sin and to truly repent and then the humility to ask for help from God to change each and every time it is necessary.  And while I am not grateful for a long night of difficult behavior, I am grateful that my daughter is learning something as important as repentance at a young age. 

Time to Grow Up

Not long ago, our family took a bike ride.  A new phase for us in biking involves Kate, our 6-year-old riding along on her own two-wheeled bike.  In biking, and in all things, she is eager to be out on her own, independent, but making sure that her safety net (in this case, her daddy rollerblading right beside her and expertly avoiding near collision every two seconds) is close by just in case she decides she needs it.

AJ, on the other hand, during this bike ride was snugly tucked into the Burley bike trailer, with a few stuffed animals and her blankie and was completely content to sit back and be pulled along.  In biking, as in life, she has shown much less need to be independent and resourceful, but remains content to be the baby of the family.

And if we're being honest, Mom has been content with that too!

Ever since this bike ride, where I saw my children's personalities personified on two wheels, I have been reflective on growing up.  More specifically on being so proud of Kate as she takes leaps and bounds towards maturity on a weekly basis (with the occasional regression to two-year-old tantrums for no apparent reason) and on needing to encourage (and allow) AJ to take some more steps toward independence.

Our spiritual journeys are not so unlike our natural progression and development. And we can just as easily fall into the different categories that my two very different girls find themselves in.


One category is the highly independent category and forging ahead at full speed.  At first blush this seems great and like the right way to go.  But God never wants us to be out ahead of him or so independent that we don't need him.  Even my independent Kate as described above, is really only independent on her bike when she knows her Daddy is right there with her.  At each intersection she panicked a little and needed the reassuring and steady hand of her expert rollerblader Daddy to help her stop and stay steady before forging on again.  So independence and a desire to be moving forward is good only in so much as we acknowledge that without God we are like an awkward 6 year old learning to ride a 2 wheeler.  Without that acknowledgement we really are in our place of needing to grow up by acknowledging our weaknesses and our need for God.

On the other hand, we have those that might be content to receive salvation, the gift that God has graciously given us, and then to somewhat coast through life.  The writers of the New Testament spend a lot of time writing about this topic of maturing and growing up.

Hebrews 6:1 Therefore let us move beyond the elementary teachings about Christ and be taken forward to maturity

Ephesians 4:11-16 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves,and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

In the scriptures above, the concept is specifically addressed, and in many others the idea is more implied but the concept of growing, maturing, deepening our knowledge and our relationship with Christ, while also letting go of the things of the past (or those things that were more immature) is apparent. 

As for applying these reflections and this wisdom I have a few thoughts.

Are you someone that is trying to outrun God?  Are you running out before Him, not being patient to wait and listen for his direction and thus also outrunning his sustaining safety net?

Are you someone that has been content to be somewhat swept along with life, tossed back and forth by the waves (or the whims of the world, or the bumps of a Burley) and not established roots in a growing knowledge of God?  If so you may feel safely secure but the roots of growing in Christ help you stay grounded and not be swept up and caught up in things that take you down the wrong path.  You also may miss out on so much of the beauty and experiences that life has to offer.  If AJ spends her whole life in a Burley imagine how much she is missing by only being able to see the small view from the confines of her shaded window shade and how many experiences she is missing by not taking a more active part in the journey.

Both are dangerous places to be and require us to submit fully to God and to commit to growing up in Him.  Growing up through surrounding yourself with a community of believers who will help you grow, through personal times of study and prayer, and through stretching yourself to go and do.  The life of a Christian is one that we are called to go and do, to love, to give, to lead, to teach, to share Christ everywhere. Each time we step out into these situations, in obedience and submission to Christ, we continue to grow and learn.  It is a beautiful cycle...one I don't want to deny to my children and one I don't want to get away from myself.

At the risk of overdoing a point and mixing analogies, horsemanship provides a good picture of what it looks like to walk along with God in growing up.

When you lead a horse, you don't want to be out in front dragging the horse along.  Often times this will cause a horse to stop in its tracks and go nowhere.  You also don't want to be too far behind a horse being drug along well because that's just not safe and because your job is to lead not to be led!

Rather, if you are leading a horse you should walk right alongside, almost instep with the horse both urging it forward and holding it back from going too far ahead at the same time.

This is where God desires to walk alongside of you:  right beside you.  The irony is that God is right there walking and knows the right pace to walk and the right place to stand.  Our job as the horse (yup you read that right) is to not be too quick and to not allow ourselves to be drug, but to submit, obey, and trust...and in the process to grow up.

Planting Seeds

Most days I feel like I am running circles around the same parenting trees again and again.  I utter the same phrases with various levels of patience over and over.

"Use your words."

"How do you ask nicely?"

"Speak kindly."

Etc.

It is easy to feel like these lessons and many others that are of more or less importance are never going to sink in.

And then, every once in awhile you get a small glimpse of hope that all that you do is really making a difference.

Like when you hear, "AJ that hurts me, will you please stop?"  and AJ says, "Ok." (I swear, this happened!)

Kate brought these marigolds home from preschool early this spring in a small styrofoam cup.  They were three tiny sprouts that barely survived in the windowsill while Kate over-watered them daily.

I eventually managed to get the little sprouts into the ground and watered them somewhat faithfully.  To be honest, I was fairly confident they were never going to amount to anything and I was worrying about having to break the news to Kate.

But then I watched as they slowly started to grow, bigger and bigger and then they burst forth in bloom into the amazing bush you see above.  Every time I catch a glimpse of it I smile a little remembering the little cup and the tiny little sprouts and how it has become the captivating feature of my backyard at the moment.


I may not see all of the seeds that I am planting in my girls' lives blossom and bloom into something beautiful.  But there are many that I will get to see....and I can't wait.

And in those moments where I fear that the seeds I am planting are in some way defective, I will remember the marigolds and keep planting and watering.

Lastly, I will remember that while I get to plant the seeds and nurture them, it is not me that makes them grow.  That miracle belongs to our Father in Heaven alone.

10 Things I am Teaching My Kids...That I am Learning Too

10.  Be responsible for your own things. Pick up after yourself. Treat your things well.

Sure, I don't have a tendency to step on my toys and throw them in the midst of a temper tantrum, but God has blessed me with a great house, beautiful yard, flowers, a small garden, a tiny flock of chickens, and so much more. It is my responsibility to not be lazy and to take care of these things well without complaint.

9. Face Your Fears.

The dark. Crowds. Monsters under the bed. Putting your face in the water. These are fears my kids face and are encouraged to overcome on their own with a lot of encouragement and help.  I have my own fears.  Some are relatively easy to face - like my fear of heights, but others I can make excuses and shy away - like speaking up even if my opinion is unpopular or speaking truth even if it might cause hurt.  

8. Share and be generous

I may not run around clutching my favorite item of the day to my chest yelling MINE in quite the same way that a pre-schooler does but I do notice that some things I clutch more tightly than others.  I am intentional about being generous, but I want to make sure that I don't put a limit on God and withhold certain things.  That is not to say that my girls aren't allowed a few special toys that they don't have to share (don't mess with AJ's blankie people...BAD things happen!), but I know that God is generous and a great gift giver and if he asks me to share something I hold dear I want to trust Him and obey.

7. Have a healthy approach to food

Oh you know simple things like don't eat your feelings, or eat when you're bored, or tell me your hungry when you really just want to tickle your taste buds.

6. You are not in charge. You don't need to know it all. Hear it all.  Say it all. Understand it all. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL...

oh yeah, neither am I.

5. Don't assume (the worst)

Kate often will approach  me asking for something with an attitude that suggests I have already said No and thus whining and convincing is necessary in order to get that glass of water.  Or she will react to something as if there was ill intent even if it was just a misunderstanding or an accident.  

In much the same way, I can often jump to conclusions about my kids behavior or what I see in a situation or even judge someone's intentions when I really have no idea.  

4. Solve your problems, don't whine about them

When Kate or AJ are "in a mood" they have a tendency to react big when something little isn't perfect.  If a doll keeps falling out of the toy carseat, or a certain outfit won't go on a doll, then we can get extremely upset.  Sometimes this leads to refusing to continue to play with the doll and pouting in a corner.  The refusal to find a way to solve the problem or ask for help, ends up taking away play time. 

When confronted with a challenge, problem, or something that just isn't how we want it, we can crumble, fold, stomp, yell, and whine (c'mon you know you've done it too) or we can take it to God, ask for wisdom, and come up with creative solutions.  Be a problem solver, don't let them handicap you and your fun.

3. Use Your Words

A couple days ago it took Kate about 10 minutes to choose to say "May I have milk please" without whining, baby talk, or random unnecessary noises, in decibels loud enough for me to hear.  She also has a tendency to resort screaming and grunting at me when she is angry.  

So I have gratefully matured beyond this point but I still struggle to put all of my feelings into words and express what I need in a positive way with those that I care about.  Just because I don't scream and grunt doesn't mean I am always using my words.  Stuffing them is just as harmful.

2. Be Patient

Have you ever been asked 17 times for one cup of juice in a matter of 60 seconds?  Most moms have.  

Have you ever counted how many times you have said "will you please be patient?" with an obvious edge of impatience in your tone?  I admit, I haven't and I don't want to.  Teaching patience starts with demonstrating it.  All I can say is, God, I need your help, please!!!

1. For the love, please just obey!

Don't ask why. Don't make excuses.  Don't argue with me why you don't need to. Don't obey when you feel like it.  DON'T SAY NO!!!

Did you know the Bible says things like, don't judge, don't complain, don't hate, don't let any course or unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, be kind, be joyful, love others as yourself.  I want to not just be a hearer of the Word, but also a doer; to realize that these words were written with an intention to be followed and obeyed to the best of our abilities.  Not when we feel like it or it is convenient.  Not to be argued with because it doesn't make sense anymore.  Not to make excuses why it just isn't easy.  You get the picture.  

She Makes Me Better

I grew up with the incredible blessing of having horses in my back yard and the opportunity to ride from a very young age. The first horse I can really remember riding is Bingo. She was an older horse and we nicknamed her "the babysitter." She taught us all how to ride and she kept us all safe. If you were riding and started to slip off she would stop. She also made you do what you were supposed to do or she wouldn't do what she was supposed to do. In addition to that, her gaits were so rough that if you could learn to sit in the saddle as she was bouncing you around the arena then you were doing well.

I graduated from babysitter Bingo to Dangerous Dandy after several years. Where Bingo was safe, Dandy was wildly unpredictable. Where Bingo was old and wise Dandy was young, smart, and athletic. Where Bingo made you do everything right he made you do it right and work for it. If you were leading him and got out in front and were pulling him he would stop. But if you stood at his shoulder and walked alongside him, he mostly would plod along willingly with you. If you were trotting at an upbeat Huntseat pace he would make you kick, nudge, cluck, urge, and pray with every step to keep him moving. If you were perfectly lined up at a jump he would go over it unless there was a cow at the other end of the arena, or a shadow, or an imagined cow, or he just didn't feel like it.

In very different ways theses horses made me a better rider and taught me a lot of other things as well. And God provided these horses in the perfect order to teach me in the right order, to insure I didn't quit riding or lose my life. ;)

Fast forward several years and I have transitioned from horses to kids. Our first, Kate is much more like Dandy. Prior to her birth I had believed that if I did everything a certain way then my kids would be perfectly behaved, totally obedient, etc.  I was quick to judge other parents on the behavior of their kids.

But from a very young age Kate has totally blown this theory to pieces.  She is much like Dandy, making me work extremely hard for every step.

But my point in writing is not to lament my challenges with Kate.  Rather to give glory to God for the personal growth and Godly dependence that comes out of this.

As Kate gets older, and I continue to have to work hard for every small and big accomplishment in our day - like getting out of bed or getting dressed - to every character trait developed - like patience - I realize that God is teaching me every step of the way through.

She makes me better because she makes me look inside myself to address my own sin. She makes me better because she makes me dependent on God for more grace, more patience, more creativity, and more endurance that what I have on my own.

Here are some of the things that God (and Kate) have taught me:

1) We are all sinners.  I need grace.  Kate needs grace.  We need to give each other grace.  Recently I finished reading a book called Grace Based Parenting that helped me to realize this truth and helped me to realize that how I respond to Kate's challenges has a big impact on her and how she will see herself now and in the future.  I don't want to be surprised, to shame or embarrass her, or to condemn her for her mistakes.  I want to love her, forgive her, and teach her to go to God to help her learn through them.

2) Which leads me to my second - I need to be very very careful about my words.  I have the power with my words to tear down her spirit, make her self-conscious about herself and her behavior, or to lift her up, encourage her, and teach her.  In my own weakness and frustration, it is easy to get focused on the many challenges and share them with others more than I should.  Imagine what this does to her to hear.

3) Keep myself in check.  When I start to get frustrated and impatient, you can hear it in my words and voice.  When Kate hears it, she comes back at me with the same intensity and is less likely to obey, just like Dandy.  She makes me better.  She makes me do it right.  Of course this doesn't mean that she always does obey or behave, but at least I can walk away from the situation knowing that I demonstrated and modeled the type of attitude and behavior I am expecting of her.  And when I blow it, I apologize.

4) Don't give up or get discouraged.  I have noticed from a very young age that Kate has cycles of behavior.  She will have a couple weeks where we have lots of fits, crying, disobeying, etc. Then all of a sudden you wake up one day, take a deep breath and ask her to put on a pair of pants under her dress and she says, "Ok Mom."  After you've recovered from the shock, you realize that the lessons you are teaching during those difficult weeks are sinking in, and when whatever causes those cycles to pass, they are there and the fruit is evident.  It is tempting during those weeks to feel like you are doing nothing more than beating your head against a wall, but I must continue to be dedicated to the practices that I believe in, to teach appropriate behavior, and to discipline inappropriate behavior - no matter how much backlash I receive.


Much like Babysitter Bingo and Dangerous Dandy made me a better horseman, Kate makes me a better person, mom, and follower of Christ.  For that I am grateful.



(Side Note - I am sitting here, unwilling to pus the Publish button because I am so uncomfortable with throwing out what feels to me like a very negative post towards my beloved daughter.  So, lest anyone walk away thinking that the only thing about her worth noting is her strong-will, let me enlighten you with the many things of Kate that are just plain awesome.

She is kind and compassionate, quick to stick by someone who is hurt.  She thinks about others and their needs.  She has an imagination that could take her to the moon and back.  She can play for hours all by herself - and never stop talking during that time once! She is smart, observant, intuitive, and so so curious.

She loves helping and she is a leader.  She is cautious, but also willing to try something new and is so proud of herself when she has overcome a fear. She brings delight to those around her with her grown up antics. She knows how to behave and is polite to others.  She is amazing.)

He Lets Me

Recently Kate has taken an interest in helping with housework.  If I am folding clothes she will come and help me fold washcloths and socks.  If am doing dishes, she will rinse.  She has become my regular mud room cleaner and surprises me with how neurotic she is about lining up the shoes with their pairs in exactly the right spots (wonder where she gets that from?).

Today, she wanted to wash windows.  From the other room I cringed and thought well this will surely not end well,  But despite myself I gave very specific instruction about only spraying 3 times on each window and set her free as I continued to sweep.  They can't look worse than the finger, nose and lip prints that adorn them currently I thought!  Thank you AJ.

As I was sweeping I was pondering how many puddles of window cleaner I was going to have to clean up, how streaky they might be when she was done, and just in general how it would be so much easier to just say no and go do it myself.  But what would she learn if I did that.  Nothing good.

And as God does, he showed me that He as our Father has a plan and things that need to be done in this world, specifically people that need to be shown love and compassion, taught about the Gospel and the Truth of Salvation, practical needs that need to be met, and hearts that need to be healed.

It would be so much easier for God to just do all of his work on His own.  I mean He's God,, so it is not like he can't.  But then, what would we learn?

It is not good for my development and for my growth to only reap the benefits of salvation and not be given the opportunity to take part in the work and sacrifice of sharing it with others.

Lest anyone get the wrong idea - salvation is through Christ alone; only He can save - but God Lets Us be part of His plan and His work here on earth.

He lets me share hugs, laughter, and coffee with someone who is hurting and needs a friend.
He lets me sacrifice a little to provide some needed items for a struggling young mom.
He lets me tell others about Him and show them the way to salvation in eternity in Christ.
He lets me teach my kids about responsibility and hard work by washing windows.

The question is, Am I?

Paul wrote in Ephesians 3:7-8 (The Message) This is my life work: helping people understand and respond to this Message. It came as a sheer gift to me, a real surprise. God handling all the details. When it came to presenting the Message to people who had no background in God's way, I was the least qualified of any of the available Christians. God saw to it that I was equipped, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities.

I am convicted, challenged, and excited by these words.

Is my life work all about me, or is it about God?
Do I trust God enough to handle all of the details?
I have a purpose, a mission, a reason to live, and the blessing of a living a life Alive in Christ (Ephesians 2:5).  That makes me excited.

PS - Fast forward in the story above and Kate is washing windows in the mudroom - a lost cause by the way - and locks herself out of the house.  I go to let her in and find that over half of the bottle of window spray is now gone and her rag is soaked.  Clearly my great training about 3 sprays per window was not effective, but I can see out the windows better now!

God Lets Us, Has given us clear instructions, and teaches us and gives us grace when we screw it up thinking we can do it our own way.

Knows it All; Questions it All

It was Halloween evening...a magical time for children.  What is better than playing dress up and being given candy?

Unfortunately our magical evening was plagued by tired, grumpy kids, one kid down with an eye infection, parental miscommunication, freezing cold weather, and a vehicle making strange noises.

We had left our first "magical" stop for the evening - create your own spooky face pancakes at IHOP and were headed to our second...indoor trick or treating.

We stopped at a gas station to identify and correct said strange car noise referenced above.  As we parked, the questions started.

"Why are we here? Why is daddy getting out? Why is that open? What is he getting out of the trunk? Why is daddy going inside? Why are you moving the car?"  It didn't stop.  Kate questioned on and on.  I did my best to answer the questions (or most of them) with as much patience as I could muster.  After all, this 3 and a half year old was concerned that we had been indefinitely thrown off the trick or treating track for the evening.

Having corrected the strange noise problem, we were back on the road only to be informed within seconds that "this is not the way to trick or treating."  We tried to argue, however Kate insisted that we were going the wrong way.  Eventually we just had to give up and tell her to wait and see.

During this small window I marveled at how someone could at the same time so confidently KNOW EVERYTHING, and also feel the need to ask THOUSANDS OF QUESTIONS every day.

And then it hit me, that feeling that I get when I know God is teaching me something and that it isn't just for me.  When it comes to our relationship with God, we are exactly the same as my little three year old conundrum.

We spend our days asking God why?  Why did you let this happen? Why didn't that happen? Why did he get that and I didn't?  Why me? Why not me? When? What is going to happen next?

And then in our next breath, we dare to tell God that we know better than he does.  "No really, we're going the wrong way.  This surely isn't what you had planned for me."

In those moments when Kate is asking my ear off, or trying to tell me I have it perfectly wrong, I just want to beg her to please trust me.  I want to help her understand that she can trust me, that she doesn't need to know everything, she doesn't need to control everything, and that she doesn't already KNOW everything.

I can hear God saying the same thing to you and to me.  Trust me, he says.  It doesn't make sense to you right now, but I've got this.  You don't have to control it, I do.  You think you know better, but you don't.  I can see the big picture, you cannot.

My friends, let go and simply trust God.  Simple words to write and extremely difficult words to put into practice.  Next time you feel yourself starting to worry, or doubt, question, or act like you know better than God, remember little Kate and how silly she sounds insisting she knows the way.

The other kids will laugh at me

I was driving Kate to her third day of gymnastics class and she says, "I'm not going to do anything today because the other kids will laugh at me."

I was stunned.  Speechless.  Broken hearted.  Why is my 3 year old already so self-conscious and afraid of what other people think?  I don't know if this normal at that age or not, but even if it is, it still breaks my heart.

I have first hand experienced the paralyzing fear of "everyone is watching me and judging me" for far too long.  It is one of the last things that I desire for my kids to spend a lifetime having to out grow.

After I recovered, I launched into a speech that was probably greatly lost on my sweet Kate's 3 year old mind, but it went something like this. "The kids aren't laughing at you.  And even if they are, I want you to go out there and just do your best and not worry about what they think.  I know you are doing your best and all that matters is what God thinks." Etc. Etc. Etc.

I am pretty sure she did participate in gymnastics that day and after her 4th day of gymnastics she proudly told me, "I did everything today!"  I was very excited.  I was certain it had nothing to do with my speech, but nonetheless grateful that my money was being put to better use than Kate sitting on the sidelines at 3 year old gymnastics. :)

It was later that night that I got hit over the head with my own lesson.  I had been in the midst of a task that I was really not excited about doing (even though I knew it needed to be done) MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID WHAT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO THINK ABOUT ME!

As I went to bed that night, I was praying for Kate to be free from being self-conscious and God reminded me of the words I spoke to her.  "Do YOU really care ONLY about what I think?"

I was stunned.  Speechless.  Broken hearted.

I prayed.  God I desire to only care about what you think, to be obedient even when it is unpopular or uncomfortable.  Please help me.  (It went on a little longer than this, but you get the point.)

I cannot give what I do not have.  I don't exactly know how to teach Kate and AJ the self-confidence that they are going to need to not worry about the other kids laughing, but I know that I have to continue to learn it first.  I know that I have to keep praying.  So thankful for grace, the power of the Holy Spirit, and for lessons in the moment!

When it gets hard

*I wrote those post several months ago in the midst of a difficult season.  I never posted it...I think because it was so raw and I felt extremely hypocritical posting something that I had no where near gotten a handle on.  I should have posted it then because I know there are others out there who can relate and need to know they are not alone.  I am posting it now, although we have moved on from some of the difficulties discussed below (hallelujah AJ sleeps all night! and Kate's bedtime battles are exceptionally less bloody ;)) - the lessons are still true and the patience is still growing.


There's been a lesson brewing in my life for some time now and I just haven't quite put my finger on what exactly it is what God wants me to share.  Maybe it is because I can't really seem to make any headway in the issue I am currently facing.

Right now Kate is upstairs crying her head off screaming "I want daddy and mommy" in desperate protest of bedtime.  Our day today was filled with one incident after another of bad behavior, correction, fit, time out, repeat.  A skipped nap on top of an early morning pretty much sealed the deal for all of us.

I can't lay the blame for a bad day all on the shoulders of a very trying 2.5 year old and her 6 month old sister who doesn't sleep all night long.  I find that lately my attitude sucks and in some very ironic ways.

I try to teach Kate to be patient.  The relentless asking for the same thing until I have time to respond wears on me and I tell her to be patient.  But what does the edge in my voice reveal other than my own impatience.

I try to teach Kate not to throw fits when something doesn't go her way, to use her words and control her emotions.  And yet what do I do when I get to the afternoon and I am tired and I have two crying kids and six more hours until my husband gets home...essentially throw a fit.  No, I don't kick and scream and cry (although I confess that in the middle of the night when AJ wakes up I have been known to throw a little fit of kicking and crying), but in my head the negative thought train gets revved up and no matter how hard I try to stop it it gains momentum.  Self-Pity. Anger. Bitterness. Frustration. Take your pick, or sometimes all of the above, they chug along the tracks at downhill speeds and just make my responses to kid behavior escalate said kid behavior.

I apologize for not giving more specifics; I think it would only contribute to the overall negativity to use this as a venting platform.

So what is the lesson?  Of a couple of things I am sure:

1 - I need Jesus.  I am so not perfect.  I am so lost in this world of parenting.  If I want my kids to be able to see me as an example then I need Jesus to mature me first.  Man sometimes that hurts.
2 - Scripture is key.  I have posted little scripture cards of verses related to joy all around my house.  If I can't stop the negative thought train on my own I can try to derail it by repeating words of scripture over and over again.  God's Word does not return void.
3 - When you pray for patience prepare to be given opportunities to be patient.  I know we have all heard that before, but it has rarely been more real to me than right now.  I honestly don't like the person that I turn into by the end of the day and I am in constant prayer asking God to help me and to change me.  You know how that happens, by having more opportunities to make a better choice the next time.

I wish it were easier to be a parent.  I wish it were easier to grow spiritually.  You know the easy button.

But as I tell Kate - it's not. Deal with it.  This isn't a good reason to cry.  Use your words.

Guess it's time to take my own advice, stop feeling sorry for myself, (maybe be okay with some tears every now and then), and trust God because He loves me and He will help me.

Here's to a new day tomorrow.

PS - After about 20 minutes of non stop crying she fell immediately to sleep and the house is now blissfully quiet. About Time!

Forgiveness

Have you ever heard the saying, "There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead.  When she was good she was very very good and when she was bad she was horrid."

Aside from the fact that my little Kate has no curls anywhere near her forehead, this pretty much sums her up in a nut shell.

She is a very good girl when she wants to be, and she knows exactly how to get into trouble when she wants to.  In the past week, we've had bed time battles, bath time battles, don't hit your sister battles, no you can't talk to mommy that way battles, and pretty much everything else you can imagine in between.

I am not perfect and I have to admit that I lose my temper and get extremely frustrated and angry in the midst of many of these battles.  Kate has learned how to apologize (and yes how to use an apology to try to get out of trouble as well), largely because her mother has had to say I'm sorry for losing my temper a time or two.

After the apologies and tears are over, it is amazing how quickly Kate wants to be "friends" again.  We can go from time out to sharing bath time tea in a matter of minutes.  In fact it was in those minutes tonight that I reflected on how quickly I too go from blood boiling to choosing to change my tone to something softer and lighter and have fun with my girl.

God's forgiveness is like that.  It doesn't matter how often or how badly we mess up, he welcomes us back with open arms, easily puts aside those things that drove a wedge between us, forgives us, loves us.  Without ever having one of those moments as a parent, I think it is difficult to really understand how God forgives and forgets.  But when you understand as a parent that your role is to teach right and wrong and to help your child to learn how to control her behavior, you realize that she is still learning, that you shouldn't take the behavior personally, and that discipline without love and acceptance and grace is useless at best, dangerous at worst.

Learning to Teach

The title of this post is ironic because I spent 4 years and a lot of (mostly other people's) money learning how to be a teacher.  The funny thing is I never really felt like I was that great at it.  And now as a parent of a toddler and a newborn I often watch others take the time to slow down and carefully talk through and demonstrate something to my daughter in a way that I don't often think to do.

In recent days I've realized that teaching is essential to normal growth and development from a child into an adult.  (Now before you say Duh! Captain Obvious!...hear me out.)

I find myself throughout the day saying to Kate:
"Please don't whine."
"Don't poke your sister in the face."
"Don't slam the door."

What I realized about these statements was that I was leaving out the DO part.  I have the DON'T part down quite well and I just assume that Kate will automatically know that the opposite of whining is to say, "May I have some juice please," and the opposite of poking her sister in the face is using her whole hand to gently touch her...you get the idea.

So, I have tried to start making an effort to correct behavior with some instruction in what should be done instead of the behavior that I do not like.  Kate and I often practice, "Mommy, may I have..." (More times in a day than I can count!!!!)

The same principle applies to AJ, our already 7 week old little bundle!  Sleep is the number one topic for all new moms and yes we're still there...sleep deprived that is.  But I can't get frustrated with AJ for not sleeping exactly when and for how long I think she should without a lot of patience and time put in teaching her (in some sense of the word anyway).

My point is this, it can be easy to discover and point out to someone what they are doing wrong.  But it isn't always easy or natural to then take the time to explain what the correct way is.  And lets face it, whether we spent a lot of money and time learning to be come state credentialed teachers or not, we are all teachers in one way or another.  We most likely have someone who is looking up to us.  Let's be sure that when we offer correction we clearly DEMONSTRATE and EXPLAIN the DO'S as well as the DONT'S.